Enter a realm where spells meet hilarity, where the magic of Harry Potter merges with laughter-inducing wit.
As Dumbledore once said, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
Expertly crafted, these Harry Potter jokes promise to bewitch your sense of humor.
Whether you seek levity in clean jokes suitable for all or delve into the depths of adult-themed humor, this comprehensive collection ensures every wizard, young or old, finds their perfect charm.
Let us now go through these jokes about Harry Potter.
Best Harry Potter Jokes
Unlock laughter’s power with the choicest Harry Potter jests! From the halls of Hogwarts to the mirthful echoes of Diagon Alley, these top-tier jokes, revered by experts in comedic brilliance, promise endless amusement for all magical enthusiasts.
On a scale from one to ten, how much do you love Hogwarts?
Nine and three quarters.
What do Azkaban prisoners use to freshen their breath?
Dementos!
Why doesn’t Voldemort use glasses?
No one nose!
What does a wizard say when he gets robbed by a muggle?
Somebody muggled me!
What social media channel does Voldemort use?
Instagram, because he wants more followers!
Why did Snape hate herbology?
Because his lily died.
What did The Dark Lord envy from Harry?
His nose!
What would Harry Potter be if he didn’t when to Hogwarts?
A python programmer.
What is Harry’s favorite mood?
Sirius.
What program do you use to edit your photos?
A Dobby Photoshop.
Why did Harry Potter get detention?
Because he was cursing during class.
Harry: The Dark Lord has risen again! Dumbledore: Are you Sirius?
Harry: No, I’m Harry!
Why did Neville always sit on two chairs?
Because he is a Longbottom.
How does Ron enter his room?
Through the Gryffindor.
Why didn’t Draco become friends with Harry?
Because he was running out of breath while saying Harry’s last name.
Why do two Quidditch players share the same room?
Because they are Broom-mates.
Why did Harry sign up for the gym?
Because he loved the dumbbell doors.
Why didn’t Lord Voldemort use perfume?
Because he couldn’t smell it!
What do Lord Voldemort and a teenage girl have in common?
A diary!
What is a wizard’s favorite drink?
Espresso Patronum
Why did you put so much ginger on the soup?
Because it’s a Weasley!
How do they call thugs in Hogwarts?
Swagrid
Someone: Aren’t you a little too old to obsess with Harry Potter?
Me: No one asked your opinion you little Mudblood.
How did Harry Potter convince McGonagall to join the quidditch team?
He said: “I got 99 problems but a snitch ain’t one!”
Voldemort: So how do you grow a nose?
Pinocchio: Just lie!
Why is there always an empty cloth hanger?
That’s where I keep my invisibility cloak!
The shorter version of Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix would look like this: “Harry: Welcome Sir, what would you like to order?
Phoenix: One Rib eye, please! Harry: One Rib eye coming right up!”
What did Voldemort tell to Snape?
Why so Sirus?
How do you enter a magical gym?
Through a Dumbbell door.
What was Mad-Eye-Moody’s disadvantage as a teacher?
He could control his pupils.
Why did Hermione fall in love with Ron?
Because he loved grangerous adventures!
What did Hermione tell Ron when he got home for Christmas?
Ron voyage!
What social media channel did Slytherins use?
Snapechat!
What does Harry say when he is angry?
Godric dammit!
How do you call Bellatrix’s mood?
A resting witch face!
What do witches say when they are rumoring?
Spell the tea!
What did Dobby say to Harry Potter during the pandemic?
Harry Potter can’t go to Hogwarts this year because the classes will be held online!
How does an electrician free Dobby?
With a shock!
You don’t like Harry Potter jokes?
There’s something Ron with you!
Why did it take Harry so long to find all Horcurxes?
Because he was looking in all the Ron places.
What kind of shoes does Harry Potter hate the most?
Horcors!
What band would be Bellatrix in if she was a musician?
Jazzkaban!
Funny Harry Potter Jokes
Embark on a laughter-filled journey through the wizarding world! Expertly crafted and vetted by renowned joke masters, these rib-tickling Harry Potter quips ensure a spellbinding experience, guaranteed to leave you rolling in laughter faster than a Nimbus 2000.
Why can’t Harry tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend?
Because they’re both cauldron.
What type of drink does Snape hate the most?
Jameson.
So, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
I guess that’s when the books started getting…dead Sirius.
How do the Malfoys enter a building?
They Slytherin.
How do you know if a potion is good?
You check its hex-piration date!
Why doesn’t Snape own a barbecue?
Because he roasts his food verbally.
Why did Snape teach Potions and not Herbology?
Because he can’t keep a lily alive.
Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad teacher?
Because he can’t control his pupils.
One day Lupin decides to come clean with Harry. He sits him down and tells him ‘Harry, I’m a werewolf’. Harry jumps up and starts shouting, ‘WHAT!?
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?’ Lupin sighs, hangs his head and mumbles, ‘Ah yes, that too.’
What fuel does Harry Potter put in his car?
Expecto Petrolium!
How do you get a mythical creature into your house?
Through the Gryffindor!
What did Voldemort tell Wormtail when they went bowling?
Kill the spare.
Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Where did Dumbledore keep his army?
Up his sleevey.
Why did Hermione Granger carry a time-turner with her everywhere she went?
Because she was always running late for her Ron-dezvous!
Dark Harry Potter Jokes
Venture into the shadows of humor with our collection of dark Harry Potter jokes. Vetted by the most discerning of joke connoisseurs, these jokes, while slightly sinister, promise to charm your darker side with laughter, illuminating the shadows with mirthful magic.
What do you call a vampire with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you call a wizard who’s been kicked out of Hogwarts?
A squib!
Why did the Death Eater cross the road?
To get to the Dark Side!
What do you call a group of Death Eaters?
A disdain!
What’s a Death Eater’s favorite type of music?
Necrophobia!
Why did the Dark Lord create the Death Eaters?
Because he couldn’t find any willing followers!
Why did the Dementor cross the road?
To get to the other side!
How do you keep a Dementor away from your house?
By putting up a “Beware of Dementor” sign!
What’s a Dementor’s favorite type of music?
Soul-sucking rock!
What’s a Dementor’s favorite food?
Anything that used to be happy!
What’s the best way to cheer up a Dementor?
With a few chuckles!
What’s the difference between the Dark Arts and Regular Arts?
With the Dark Arts, instead of being creative, you’re just trying to kill people.
How many Dark Wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but he has to really mean it.
How do you become a Death Eater?
First, you have to be really good at magic. Then, you have to be really evil. And finally, you have to be really stupid.
What’s the difference between a Dark Wizard and a Muggle?
A Muggle might accidentally kill someone with their magic; a Dark Wizard does it on purpose.
Knock Knock Harry Potter Jokes
Knock, knock! Who’s there? A trove of magical laughter! These Harry Potter-themed knock-knock jokes, rigorously tested for their charm and wit, guarantee a delightful exchange of laughs and incantations that’ll leave you spellbound.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hermione.
Hermione who?
Hermione a bad joke, but I thought it was Siriusly funny!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dobby.
Dobby who?
Dobby the house-elf, and I’ve come to tell you a joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Accio.
Accio who?
Accio some laughs with this magical joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luna.
Luna who?
Luna-tic if you don’t find this joke amusing!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gryffindor.
Gryffindor who?
Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff – let’s all laugh together!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Voldemort.
Voldemort who?
Exactly. Fear of the name increases fear of the joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dumbledore.
Dumbledore who?
Dumbledore’s knocking, let me in and tell you a joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Muggle.
Muggle who?
Muggle me not, I’m here with a magical joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Quidditch.
Quidditch who?
Quit-itching and start laughing!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snape.
Snape who?
Snape your fingers, and let the laughter begin!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hagrid.
Hagrid who?
You’re a wizard of laughter if you enjoy this joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Patronus.
Patronus who?
Patronus joke is going to make you smile!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Niffler.
Niffler who?
Niffler mind, just looking for some laughter!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Fred.
Fred who?
Fred not, this joke is Weasley good!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Azkaban.
Azkaban who?
Azkaban your laughter with this magical joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Quirrell.
Quirrell who?
Quirrell down with laughter after hearing this joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Polyjuice.
Polyjuice who?
Polyjuice your sense of humor and laugh!
Harry Potter Jokes One Liners
Short and snappy, these Harry Potter one-liners pack a punch! Delight in the whimsical brilliance of these expertly crafted jests, distilled into concise spells of laughter by the most prestigious joke alchemists in the magical world.
Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road? So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Why did Ron Weasley take his family to the dentist? He heard they were good at filling gaps!
What do you call a magical owl with an attitude? A scowl.
What do you get when you cross a wizard with a computer? A lot of spell-check.
Why did Dobby never go to the kitchen? Because he was afraid of the draft.
How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet!
Why did the Ministry of Magic start using pens instead of quills? Because the pens are mightier than the sword.
What’s Professor McGonagall’s favorite type of music? Transfiguration.
Why did Sirius Black stand in the fireplace? He wanted to be a hot dog.
Why did Voldemort go to therapy? To deal with his Death Eater issues.
Why did the Dementor break up with his girlfriend? She was always trying to suck the happiness out of him.
What’s Hagrid’s favorite type of music? Rock and roll.
How do you get a bunch of Quidditch players in a bathtub? Throw in the Golden Snitch.
What’s Professor Trelawney’s favorite kind of tea? Prophe-tea.
Why did the wizard break up with his broomstick? It was a clean sweep.
Why did the owl become a DJ? Because it had the best hoots!
Why did Fred and George start a radio show? Because they wanted to crack up the audience.
What do you call a group of musical wizards? The Rolling Stones.
Why did the Dursleys go to the zoo? They wanted to meet some more snakes.
What’s Voldemort’s favorite yoga pose? Downward spiral.
Why did the Slytherin student get detention? He was hiss-terical.
How do you organize a space party in the wizarding world? You planet!
Why did Luna Lovegood become an astronaut? She wanted to visit the moon and see if the Crumple-Horned Snorkack really exists.
Clean Harry Potter Jokes
Find humor that suits every wand in this collection of clean Harry Potter jokes. Expertly vetted for appropriateness and wit by esteemed comedic minds, these jokes promise a barrel of laughs suitable for all ages, no Polyjuice required.
How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash?
With quit-itch.
How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?
Just one. She puts her wand in and the cauldron revolves around her.
Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter over Facebook?
Because he has only followers, not friends.
What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
A Volt-demort.
Are you a Dementor?
You just took my breath away.
Why did Severus Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So you’d never know which side he was on.
What do you call a postal carrier who can speak to packages?
A parcel tongue.
Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
Nobody nose.
Why was Harry Potter sent to the office?
Because he was cursing in class.
What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
“Why so Sirius?”
How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
With Dementos.
What do you call the entrance to a magical gym?
A dumbbell door.
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light-hearted.
The fifth one was dead Sirius.
How much does it cost to watch Harry Potter play his favorite sport?
A quid each.
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn’t want to elect Ron.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
I love Harry Potter, but after re-reading the chapter “The Deathday Party,” I realized something about Nearly Headless Nick.
He was a very poorly executed character.
How many Harry Potters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. He holds it and the world revolves around him.
Dirty Harry Potter Jokes
For the daring adults seeking humor with a touch of mischief, our collection of dirty Harry Potter jokes awaits. These cheeky jests, approved by the Ministry of Comedic Affairs, guarantee a risqué yet enchanting laughter experience.
Harry: “You’re a werewolf?”
Lupin: “Yes.”
Harry: “Are you fucking serious?”
Lupin: “Yeah, that too.”
Harry: “Albus Severus, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts.” Albus: “Oh. I thought I was named after the old guy and the dude who wanted to fuck Grandma.”
When Hermione said Erecto! in front of Ron, the tent wasn’t the only thing going up!
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
“Are you fucking serious?!” asks Ron.
“Yeah…that too,” says Harry.
What do Harry Potter and Kermit the Frog’s penis have in common?
Hogwarts.
What does Harry Potter call his diarrhea?
Expellianus
What’s the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?
Harry gets to take the train back.
What is the best-known sex position in the Harry Potter universe?
Dobby style.
What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?
RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!
Harry Potter and Fast & Furious crossover movie
Bitches be vroomin’, Witches be broomin’
What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?
Expelianus!
Harry Potter Jokes for Adults
Navigate the nuanced world of grown-up humor within the wizarding realm. Crafted for mature audiences and vetted by joke experts, these Harry Potter jests ensure a delightful fusion of magic and ribaldry for those who’ve outgrown their Hogwarts uniforms.
How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb. One to rotate the room.
How many Muggles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. It is the only thing they are good for.
How many Purebloods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What’s a lightbulb?
A blind wizard walks into a bar, finds his way to a stool, and sits down.
He says rather loudly to the barkeep, “Hey, how would you like to hear a Hufflepuff joke?” The bar goes silent and the barkeep replies, “Sir, I will not lie to you. You are speaking to a Hufflepuff. The man behind you is an Auror from Hufflepuff, the woman to your right is a Hufflepuff dueling champion, and we all have our wands drawn. Do you really want to continue?” The blind wizard goes silent for a moment before curtly replying, “No I don’t. Not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”
Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding?
Because he didn’t expect-no-patrol-man.
Harry, your godfather is dead.
Are you serious?!?” “No, I’m Snape.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
How does Harry’s monthly grocery basket take next to no time when ordering online?
Prior-In-Cart-Item.
Hows does Voldemort enter a room?
He slithers in.
Why is herbology Slytherin students’ favorite class?
Because it’s in the greenhouse.
Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potions pot and his best friend?
They’re both cauldron.
Did you survive Avada Kedavra?
Because you’re drop-dead gorgeous.
What does Harry Potter have that The Dark Lord doesn’t?
A nose.
What did Hermione do when Harry and Ron took the flying car to school?
Finally relaxed.
Harry Potter Jokes for Kids
Introduce young witches and wizards to the joy of laughter with our collection of kid-friendly Harry Potter jokes. Carefully curated for youthful enjoyment and endorsed by humor pedagogues, these jokes spark giggles without a hint of dark arts.
What do you call a snowman at Hogwarts?
Frosty the Snowy Owl!
Why did the wizard bring a ladder to the bar?
Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
What do you get if you cross a dog and a wizard?
A fur-mulaic spell!
Why did the student bring a quill to bed?
To draw his dreams!
How do you make a tissue dance in the wizarding world?
You put a little boogie in it!
What’s Professor Snape’s favorite subject?
Potions, because it’s where he can stir up trouble.
Why did Harry Potter go to the Forbidden Forest?
To see his ‘centaur’ friends!
What kind of cereal do wizards eat?
Frosted Quibbles!
Why did the broom go to school?
It wanted to be a sweepstakes winner!
What do you call a magical creature with no manners?
A Dumble-rude.
Why did the wizard bring a pencil to Hogwarts?
To draw his own conclusions!
How does a wizard clean his house?
With a sweeping spell!
What’s Hagrid’s favorite type of bean?
Jellybeans, of course!
Why did the Sorting Hat go to therapy?
It had too many issues to sort out.
What do you call a joke book for wizards?
Spell-arious!
Why did Ron Weasley bring a ladder to class?
Because he wanted to go to high school!
What do you get if you cross a ghost with a mummy?
Moaning Myrtle wrapped in toilet paper!
Why did Professor Flitwick become a music teacher?
Because he’s a master of charms!
What do you call a wizard who likes to sleep?
Nap-oleon.
Why did Dobby start a gardening club?
Because he wanted to free the plants!
How does a wizard exercise?
By doing spell-jumping jacks!
Why did the wizard bring a dragon to the party?
Because he wanted to ignite the atmosphere!
What did the owl say to Harry when he opened a letter?
“Hoo’s there!”
Why did the chocolate frog go to therapy?
It couldn’t get over being broken into pieces.
What did Hermione say when she finished all her books?
“It’s a novel experience!”
Final Thoughts
In the magical tapestry of Harry Potter jokes, laughter casts the most potent spell of all.
Weaving together wit and wizardry, this collection has conjured laughter across age groups and humor preferences.
Share your favorite jokes about Harry Potter and let laughter unite us like the Hogwarts houses in mirthful harmony.
Remember, as Sirius Black once said, “We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.”
So, seize these jokes and let the light-hearted magic of laughter illuminate your days.
Don’t forget to share your thoughts and favorite jokes in the comments below; let’s keep the joyous charm of Harry Potter jokes alive!
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