Enter the crypt of comedy as we unveil the finest vampire jokes that transcend darkness.
“Laughter is an instant vacation,” said Milton Berle, and what better way to escape than with jokes about vampires that defy the grave.
Backed by the laughter research of the Chuckle University, these fang-tastic quips promise scientifically proven hilarity.
From Transylvania to your screen, our collection of jokes about vampires has been vampirically approved by Count Chuckula himself.
Embrace the undead humor; after all, as Mark Twain once mused, “The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”
Best Vampire Jokes
Dive into the coffin of comedic excellence with our curated selection of the best vampire jokes. These bloodsucking quips are the crème de la crypt, ensuring your laughter reaches immortal heights. Fangs for joining the laughter revolution!
How do vampires travel across the sea?
On blood vessels.
When does an idea kill a vampire?
When it dawns on them.
Where do vampires keep their money?
In the blood bank.
What do vampires invest in?
Bat coin.
What do you call a gullible vampire?
A sucker.
What did the man say while he was drinking the blood of a vampire?
Hmm, irony.
Heard about the vampire who was locked up in an asylum?
He went batty.
What is vampires’ favorite fruit?
Neck-tarines.
What did the child vampire say before going to bed?
“Turn on the dark mummy, I’m scared of the light.”
What do you get when you combine a vampire and a dog?
A blood hound!
How does Dracula get his torch to turn on?
With bat-teries.
Why did the vampire go to see the doctor?
Because he was coffin too much.
Where does Dracula go to buy his writing utensils?
Pencil-veinia.
Why are the ghost and mummy good friends with Dracula?
Because they could always count on him.
What did the vampire doctor say to his patient?
You need more iron.
Where do vampires usually take a bath?
In bat tubs.
Why did the vampire divorce his wife after she took a blood test?
She wasn’t his type.
What did the vampire say after drinking blood from a bodybuilder?
“Whew, that’s strong!”
Why did the local vampire club hold a recruitment drive?
Because they were on the lookout for new blood.
What is vampires’ least favorite song?
“You are my sunshine.”
Why can you never win in a boxing match with Dracula?
Nobody can ever beat the Count.
Did you hear about the vampire sprint race?
It finished neck and neck.
What is worse than a hungry vampire?
A thirsty vampire.
Funny Vampire Jokes
Unearth the chuckles with our funny vampire jokes! No coffin can contain the hilarity within these fang-tastic quips. Brace yourself for a graveyard of giggles that’ll resurrect your sense of humor!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
Blood oranges.
How do vampires get into houses?
Through the bat flap!
What is a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor?
Vein-illa.
Where did the vampire get all his jokes from?
A crypt writer!
Why did Dracula take up math as a subject in college?
Because he loves to Count.
Why was the man afraid of the vampire dog?
It was all bite and no bark!
Why does Dracula always read the newspaper?
Because someone told him it had good circulation.
How do you kill a vampire at an Italian restaurant?
Use garlic bread.
Where do vampires not look that scary?
On reflection.
What fast food do vampires crave the most?
Joggers.
When do ideas kill vampires?
When they dawn upon them.
What is a vampire’s favourite type of cheese?
Munster.
Why doesn’t Dracula attack chickens?
Because chickens have fowl blood.
Did you hear about the vampire who was rejected by the person he had a crush on?
He had loved in vein.
What is the name of Dracula’s vegan brother?
Count rucola.
Hilarious Vampire Jokes
Prepare for a laughter eclipse as we present our collection of hilarious vampire jokes. These undead punchlines are sure to stake their claim on your funny bone. Join us in the crypt of uncontrollable laughter – it’s a graveyard smash!
Did you hear about the man who sucked the blood of a vampire?
It was ironic.
What’s a vampires favourite lipstick shade?
Blood red!
How do you defeat a vampire using eggs?
Serve ‘em sunny side up.
Did you hear about the vampire who thought he was a violinist?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He had to grin and bear it.
What is a vampire’s favorite brand of beer?
Bloodweiser.
What’s a vampire’s worst fear?
Tooth decay!
What is a vampire s favorite drink to order when they go to a bar?
Bloody Mary.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Why did the vampire go to the dentist?
He had a fang-ache.
How do vampires travel from coast to coast?
In a blood vessel.
Why do vampires are bad product managers?
Because they hate meeting with the stakeholders.
Where do vampires deposit their money?
At the blood bank.
Why did Superman fail to defeat Dracula in the evening?
Because he could not go to the krypt tonight.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a duck?
Count Quackula.
How are vampires like false teeth?
They both come out at night.
Short Vampire Jokes
In the realm of brevity and bite-sized laughs, our short vampire jokes reign supreme. These quick quips pack a punch sharper than a vampire’s fang. Get ready for rapid-fire giggles that won’t suck up your time!
What is a vampire’s favorite building in New York City?
The Vampire State Building.
Why are vampires so naive?
Because they are born suckers.
What was the favorite subject of Dracula in school?
Ac-count-ing.
Did you hear about the vampire who became a poet?
He went from bat to verse.
What does the doctor vampire say when he calls up a patient?
“Necks please!”
What would you call a vampire on sale?
A dis-Count Dracula.
What’s a vampire’s favorite sport?
Batminton.
What is a vampire’s favorite coffee order?
Decoffinated.
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
To combat bat breath.
How does a hacker vampire kill its victims?
With a kill-o-byte.
Why was the vampire not invited to parties?
Because he sucks the life out of them.
What do you call a blind vampire?
Count see.
What type of vampires are always grumpy?
The ones with B negative blood type.
Why do vampires refuse to go to casino?
Because of their inability to handle the stakes.
Why did the man break up with his vampire girlfriend?
Because she sucked the life out of him.
Why did the vampire go to the blood bank?
He needed to make a withdrawal!
Why do vampires stay away from Taylor Swift?
Because she has bad blood.
Why did the vampire decide to give up his hope of being an actor?
Because he could not find a role to sink his teeth in.
Vampire Jokes One Liners
Experience the essence of wit with our vampire jokes one-liners. These bite-sized humor doses are as sharp as a vampire’s toothpick. Get ready for a parade of punchlines that leave a lasting impression – just like a vampire’s bite!
Don’t get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
One thing you won’t catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
A vampire can’t be a comedian. They just aren’t funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
If you’re wondering if someone’s become a vampire, there’s an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
There’s a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
Vampires tend to stay away from Taylor Swift. I’ve been told it’s because she has bad blood.
Vampires tend to drink Blood Light, but only from a longneck bottle.
Vampires are always looking for their necks victim.
I’d advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
If you want to kill a French vampire, you will need to stab him with a baguette. It’s pretty painstaking if you ask me.
I knew a vampire who became a poet. He went from bat to verse.
I met the child of a snowman and a vampire. He was suffering from a serious case of frostbite.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
I used to know a vampire actor. He gave up because he couldn’t find a role he could really get his teeth into.
Last Halloween, I went to a party dressed as Dracula and ate all the food. I was Vampire the Buffet Slayer.
Clean Vampire Jokes
Satisfy your thirst for laughter with our squeaky-clean vampire jokes. No dark alleys or questionable humor here – just fang-tastic jokes suitable for all audiences. Sink your teeth into wholesome hilarity that won’t leave a mark!
Do you know why I broke up with my vampire girlfriend?
Because she sucked the life out of me.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
How many vampires will it take to change a light bulb?
None, why would they need it.
Why are vampire clans so loyal?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Why don’t vampires like mosquitos?
Too much competition.
Why don’t mosquitoes bite vampires?
It’s a professional courtesy.
Why did the vampire keep acting all batty?
It was in his blood.
Why do vampires chew gum?
Because they have bat breath.
What is a vampire’s favorite dessert?
You scream and I scream.
What should you never yell at a vampire while arguing?
Bite me!
What does a vampire avoid ordering at any restaurant?
A steak.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite song?
“Another One Bites The Dust.”
What do you call a dumb vampire?
A silly clot!
What did the polite vampire say?
Fang you very much!
What dance do vampires from Spain love?
The Fang-dango.
What is a vampire’s second favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What do you call a vampire stranded on the side of the road a mile away from the blood bank?
You call him a cab!
How are vampires like wizards?
They are neck-romancers.
Why is a vampire a good party guest?
Because he eats necks to nothing!
What do you call a vampire hunter that lies a lot?
Bluffy the Vampire Slayer.
Why did the vampire drive on the 405 Freeway?
He heard it was a main artery.
What is a vampire’s favorite beer?
Blood weiser.
What do you call a vampire with asthma?
Vlad the Inhaler.
What do vampires drink at happy hour?
B-Positive.
Why do vampires use cold medicine?
For their coughin.
What do you call a foolish vampire?
A silly sucker.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite city?
Philadelphia, because it’s always sunny.
How does a female vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes!
What cheese do vampire prefer?
Muenster.
Why should you never tell a vampire to get a life?
Because it might decide to take yours.
Why should you never bet on a vampire race?
They always finish neck and neck.
Would you buy the vampire’s antique mirror?
The ad says “I have no use for it, excellent condition; Never used.”
Why don’t vampires have many friends?
Because they are such a pain in the neck.
What do you call a vampire from non-fiction?
A real pain in the neck.
What do you call a short vampire?
A pain in the knee!
How can you tell when a vampire has visited your bakery?
The jelly has been sucked out of the jelly donuts!
Do you know why the local vampire club is always recruiting?
I heard they are always looking for new blood.
Why do vampires like to scare people?
Because they are bored to death!
Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had the best circulation.
What is a vampire’s favorite fast food restaurant?
Murder King!
What is a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A person with very high blood pressure
What’s the best way to invite a vampire on a date?
By saying let’s go out for a bite.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Did you hear about the vampire who wants to be an actor?
He just hasn’t found a role he can sink his teeth into.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
What do the Pips and a vampire have in common?
They’re both Glad-it’s Night.
How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
Because of his coffin.
How can you tell that a vampire wants to play baseball?
He will turn into a bat.
What do you call a stone cold killer vampire with no regard for the law?
A fangsta!
How do ghosts say goodbye to vampires?
“So long, suckers!”
How do you get a vampire to swipe right on Tinder?
Add your blood type to your p.
How do you get Dracula to follow you on Instagram?
Add your blood type to your profile.
What did the vampire say her new apprentice?
It’s nice to have some fresh blood around here.
Who is a vampire’s favorite superhero?
Batman.
Why did the vampires go online?
To start a fang club!
What’s the referee in a Transylvanian soccer game called?
A Vumpire!
Why do vampires love the south?
Because of all the red necks.
Why aren’t there any vampires in Africa?
Because they bless the rains down in Africa.
Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
The dentist serving all the vampires.
Why are vampires so impulsive?
They don’t ever reflect on things.
Why are vampires evil?
They can’t ever reflect on who they are.
Why do vampires keep repeating the same mistakes?
They lack self-reflection.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Why did the vampire go to the dentist?
He had a fang-ache.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
How does a vampire start a letter?
Tomb it may concern.
Would you rather be attacked by a vampire or a were wolf?
I’d rather have the vampire attack the werewolf!
Who is the best player on vampire soccer teams?
The ghoulscorer.
What do you get when you cross a school teacher and a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What did the ancient vampire say to the mirror?
“Is this thing on?”
What do vegans and vampires have in common?
They both won’t eat steak.
Why should you avoid competing against a vampire?
Because they are always out for blood.
Why do vampires refuse to become investment bankers?
They hate stake holders.
What did the vampire say after reading all these jokes?
They suck!
Dirty Vampire Jokes
Warning: Enter the forbidden laughter zone with our dirty vampire jokes! These humor bites are not for the faint of heart but are sure to leave you howling. Brace yourself for an adults-only trip to the crypt of risqué hilarity!
A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror.
Bet you didn’t see that coming.
Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?
They can’t come inside without an invitation.
There’s a vampire that only feeds off the blood of menstruating women.
His name is Cunt Dracula!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a butterfly?
A Blooderfly.
What must a vampire ask before he has sex?
Is it alright if I cum inside?
why can’t you get pregnant from having sex with a vampire?
Because they need permission to come inside.
Why was the vampire never satisfied by his lovers?
Because they never invited him to come inside.
Why do vampires like virgins?
If you went out to your favorite deli and ordered a sandwich you would probably also want one that had never had a penis in it.
Vampire Jokes for Adults
Embrace the nocturnal naughtiness with our vampire jokes for adults. These quips are not for the easily scandalized, but if you’re ready to explore the dark side of humor, our collection guarantees laughter that’s undead and uncensored!
Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend?
She was a real pain in the neck.
How does a vampire flirt?
He bats his eyes.
What do you call a vampire with a sense of humor?
The laughing dead.
Why did the vampire get a job as a bartender?
He wanted to work the night shift.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
Bloody Mary – extra bloody.
How does a vampire answer the phone?
“Hello, blood bank?”
Why do vampires make terrible artists?
They can’t draw blood.
What’s a vampire’s least favorite song?
“Sunshine on My Shoulders” by John Denver.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of ship?
A blood vessel.
How does a vampire keep fit?
CrossFit.
Why did the vampire get kicked out of the baseball team?
He kept turning into a bat.
What do you call a vampire that’s always on social media?
An Instagram-pire.
How did the vampire try to quit smoking?
Cold bat.
Why did the vampire become a chef?
He wanted to sink his teeth into a new career.
What do you call a vampire who can sing?
A blood-curdling vocalist.
Why did the vampire start a winery?
He wanted to bottle his own vintage – Type O.
How does a vampire keep up with the news?
He reads the daily “blood”sheet.
Why are vampires excellent at poker?
They have great poker fangs.
What’s a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation?
A blood-red convertible.
How did the vampire feel after a night of partying?
A bit drained.
Why did the vampire get a job in IT?
He wanted to work in byte support.
How does a vampire make coffee?
Dark, strong, and with a touch of blood.
Why did the vampire get a ticket?
He was caught BAT-tering.
What do you call a vampire that likes to gossip?
A bloodsucker for drama.
Vampire Jokes for Kids
Unlock the door to a world of kid-friendly hilarity with our vampire jokes for kids. No nightmares, just fang-tastically funny quips suitable for the little monsters. Join us in the crypt of laughter – where the only bite is from the joke!
Why did the vampire get an award?
Because he was the best at biting the competition!
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange!
How do vampires start their letters?
“Tomb it may concern…”
What do vampires take when they are sick?
Coffin drops!
Why did the vampire become a vegetarian?
Because biting necks was a pain in the neck!
What’s a vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite!
Why did the vampire like baseball?
Because he could really sink his teeth into it!
What did the vampire say to the teacher?
“See you next bite!”
What do you call a vampire that’s good at math?
Count Calcula!
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit punch?
A bloody Mary!
Why did the vampire subscribe to the newspaper?
He wanted the latest in coffin news!
What do you call a vampire that’s always on the computer?
A byte!
How does a vampire like his steak cooked?
Bloody rare!
Why did the vampire become a stand-up comedian?
He had a biting sense of humor!
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!
Why did the vampire take acting classes?
He wanted to improve his bite performance!
What do you call a vampire that’s always on time?
A punctual Dracula!
How does a vampire keep his breath fresh?
He uses blood-th!
Why was the vampire so good at poker?
He had a great poker face!
Why did the vampire bring a broom to the party?
To sweep you off your feet!
Why did the vampire get a job as a barber?
He was great at giving neck trims!
Vampire Jokes and Puns
Prepare for a pun-derful journey into the crypt of wordplay with our vampire jokes and puns. These blood-curdlingly clever quips will have you laughing from the heart – or should we say, the artery? Get ready for puns that suck in the best way!
Why did a vampire join the circus?
To become an acrobat.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can’t handle the stakes.
Why did Dracula turn over a new leaf?
He wanted to be re-vamped.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
The vampire only sucks blood at night.
What do you call the Viking who was bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Why do vampires hate going to court?
Because of the cross-examinations.
Why are vampires bad artists?
Because they always want to draw blood.
What do you call a cross dressing vampire?
Dragula.
Who is a Vampires favorite actress?
Neck-hol
Why don’t vampires have any friends?
They’re a real pain in the neck.
Did you hear about the vampire who got a pet dog?
He’d always wanted a bloodhound.
What do vampires drink when they are on a diet?
Blood light.
How did one vampire give COVID to the other one?
By coffin on him.
What would you get when you cross a vampire with sheep?
Drac-Ewe-La.
Why did the vampire break up with his boyfriend?
Because he wasn’t his type.
How do you stop a vegan vampire?
With a steak through its heart.
What do you call a vampire who went to the beach?
Ash.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of soup?
Scream of tomato.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor?
Veinilla.
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a laptop?
Love at first byte.
Why are vampires very bad Product Managers?
Because they refuse to meet with stake holders.
What do you feed a vegan vampire?
A blood orange.
How does a vampire pay the mortgage?
With cryptocurrency.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A bloody mary.
Final Thoughts
As the moon rises on our laughter-filled adventure through vampire jokes, we hope these quips have left you howling with joy.
Let these jokes be your eternal source of amusement, transcending time zones and undead realms.
Before you vanish into the night, share your favorite jokes about vampires in the comments – let the cryptic camaraderie continue!
As Count Basie once said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
Maybe it’s just a good vampire joke that can truly make eternity worthwhile. Keep the laughter alive – it’s the only eternal elixir!
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