Are you ready to have a barrel of laughs?
We have compiled a list of hilarious drinking jokes that are sure to leave your friends in stitches.
Whether you’re a beer enthusiast or just enjoy a good cocktail, these jokes about drinking will surely amuse you and your pals.
Let’s dive right in and get the party started!
Best Drinking Jokes
Quench your thirst for laughter with these best refreshing drinking jokes! From light-hearted sips to bubbly humor, raise your spirits with our collection of the best liquid-inspired laughs. Cheers!
What do you call a nun with a drinking problem?
A bad habit.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
What’s the difference between me and a camel?
A camel can work all week without drinking, I can drink all week without working.
A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve.
He asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”
“For drinking,” replies the officer.
“Great,” says the man, “When do we start?”
Alcoholics don’t run in my family.
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
“Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.”
“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”
If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.
If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.
Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”
To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
The guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.
The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”
He says, “Doctors orders.”
“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”
“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”
“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion…
A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.
The hot dog says, “I’ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.”
The hamburger replies, “Please, beef frank.”
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
Priest: “Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.”
Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”
Priest: “He will also go to Hell.”
Alcoholic: “Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?”
Priest: “She too will go to Hell.”
Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
Funny Drinking Jokes
Elevate your mood with our handpicked selection of “Funny Drinking Jokes.” From clever wordplay to witty observations, these jokes promise a hearty dose of laughter.
A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What have eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Guy in bar: “Have you got anything to drink?”
Bartender: “Water.”
Guy in bar: “I meant something harder?”
Bartender: “Ice.”
Everyone has their own path, fortunately mine leads to the liquor store.
Cop: “Have you been out drinking?”
Me: “Uh yeah, I’m 28, I’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times.”
Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.
I was drinking last night and my house isn’t where I left it.
He was in a pub when he proposed. It was very romantic — he got up on one knee.
On your birthday, remember: don’t drink and tattoo.
What’s the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
He said his non-alcoholic wine was delicious, I said he had no proof.
What did the bartender say when Charles Dickens ordered a Martini?
“Olive or twist?”
What’s the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.
”Two beer or not two beer, that’s the question!” – William Shakesbeer
I only drink on days beginning with “T”. Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow.
Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
When we were young, we would compare liquor and women. Now we compare statins.
Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”
Went to an Abba-themed pub, the toilets were amazing.
What a loo!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
Hilarious Drinking Jokes
Dive into the world of hilarity with our collection of “Hilarious Drinking Jokes.” Unwind and share moments of amusement with friends, creating memories that linger.
My Uncle died from drinking.
He drank a whole gallon of varnish. He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.
I told myself I should stop drinking…
But I’m not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
Today I quit drinking for good.
now I only drink for evil.
I was arrested for drinking battery acid.
But I wasn’t charged.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.
If you ever want to quit drinking eat Twizzlers because they’re not alcohol but…
They’re liquorish.
TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
The boss caught an employee drinking at work.
He said: -“You can’t drink while you’re working!”.
The employee replied: -“But I’m not working”.
They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.
There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant…
…my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister.
It tastes the same but it’s just not right.
If you are suffering from acute depression, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed….
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
What do short people hate drinking?
Top-shelf liquor.
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?
Invite two of them.
People keep telling me I’m going straight to Hell for drinking all the time.
Fortunately the ground stops me every time .
Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher?
I’m not addicted to drinking brake fluid….
I can stop any time I want.
A man was drinking the blood of a vampire…
He said, “Hm, irony”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking and molesting women.”
The drunk says “Great! Let’s get started.”
My wife told me I should stop drinking wood alcohol.
But I don’t see the problem.
My wife was just in a minor accident. She’s told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time.
But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.
Let’s play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game.
Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot.
If you see someone drinking a Sierra Mist, punch them straight in the face…
…that’s the first rule of Sprite Club.
My doctor told me I needed to stop drinking because I had mitosis of the liver.
I looked at him aghast and asked if he meant cirrhosis of the liver? He said no, that I drink so much my liver is trying to split on me.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I’m giving up drinking till Christmas.
Bad punctuation, can’t edit title.
I’m giving up. Drinking till Christmas.
Do you know the Pistorious drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.
Short Drinking Jokes
Savor the quick wit and instant laughs with our “Short Drinking Jokes.” Perfect for those who prefer a punchline without the wait.
What day should you drink water?
Thirstday.
What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Fruit punch.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What is a cow’s favorite drink?
Moo.
What type of do you drink with the queen of England?
Royal-tea.
Why should you go drinking with neutrons?
Wherever they go, there’s no charge.
What is an astronaut’s drink in?
Gravi-tea.
What do drink in winter?
Hot croak-co
What is a frog’s favorite drink?
Croaka-cola.
What do you call scientists who love to study gas laws by drinking soda?
Fizz-icists.
What is the name of the condition for someone that can’t stop drinking holiday beverages?
A condition.
How does a tech guy drink?
He installs Java.
How do drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What do British drink?
Salt-Tea.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
What’s an owl’s favorite drink?
Hoot beer.
What does Elsa drink?
Iced coffee.
What do trees drink?
Root Beer.
Why didn’t the alpaca want coffee?
He only drinks llamanade.
Why are married couples afraid of drinking lattes together?
Because it can lead to grounds for divorce.
Why couldn’t the gold digger buy his girlfriend a drink?
Because he was a miner.
What kind of tea do football players drink?
Penal-tea.
When do ghosts drink coffee?
In the moaning.
Why do construction workers make bad bartenders?
When you order a stiff drink, they bring you a glass full of cement.
Drinking Jokes One Liners
Discover the charm of succinct humor with our “Drinking Jokes One Liners.” Quick, witty, and bound to leave a lasting impression.
I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I purely drink for evil.
Before I drink a dangerous coffee, I like to have safe tea first.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, then does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?
A nucleus walked into a bar, he asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”
I went to buy six cans of sprite the other day and realized I’d picked 7Up.
I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
A man walks into a bar with a jump lead. Barman says “you can have a beer but don’t start anything”.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar for a drink. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road”.
A cookie rolls into a bar and asks for something to drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we do not serve food.”
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought to myself, wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
If you want to quench your thirst while on a hike, drink Mountain Dew.
A construction worker decided to go to a bar for a few drinks. He got hammered.
Cartoon graphic of dancing cup with straw on blue background.
What do vampires drink when they are on a diet? Blood light.
What should you order if you just want a small drink? A marteenie.
Why don’t anarchists drink Earl Grey? The believe proper tea is theft.
What does an invisible man drink? Evaporated.
What is Thor’s favorite thing to have with his drink? Just-.
What do you call a moose who can’t stop drinking? An elkoholic.
What did the man say while he was drinking the blood of a vampire? Hmm, irony.
What are the two reasons you should refrain from drinking toilet water? Number one, and number two.
Clean Drinking Jokes
Foster a positive atmosphere with our collection of “Clean Drinking Jokes.” These jokes are guaranteed to entertain without crossing any boundaries, making them suitable for all audiences.
Why did the wine go to the doctor?
It had a hangover!
What did the beer say when it ran out of gas?
“I’m all tapped out!”
Why did the cocktail go to the party?
Because it was feeling mixed!
What do you call a drunk mushroom?
A fun-gi!
Why did the soda can go to the gym?
To get a little fizz in its step!
What did the tea say to the coffee?
“You’re always buzzing, but never brewing!”
Why did the milk go to the bar?
To have a cow-boy drink!
What did the bartender say to the whiskey?
“You’re always stirring up trouble!”
Why did the lemonade go to the doctor?
It had a sour throat!
What did the champagne say to the caviar?
“You’re the berries!”
Why did the water go to the gym?
To get a little H2O!
What did the juice say to the fruit?
“You’re the pulp-it!”
Why did the beer go to the beach?
To catch some rays (and a cold one)!
What did the soda say to the straw?
“You’re always sipping on something!”
Why did the martini go to the spa?
To get a little dirty (martini) !
What did the wine say to the cheese?
“You’re always a bit crumbly!”
Why did the liquor go to the library?
To research its roots!
What did the beer say to the pretzel?
“You’re always twisting things up!”
Why did the coffee go to the art museum?
To learn about espresso-ism!
What did the tea say to the biscuit?
“You’re always dunkin’ in my business!”
Why did the energy drink go to the gym?
To get a little boost!
What did the vodka say to the tonic? “You’re always mixing things up!”
Why did the rum go to the pirate convention?
To have a swashbuckling good time!
What did the cola say to the burger?
“You’re always soda- pressing!”
Why did the ginger ale go to the doctor?
It had a little nausea!
What did the whiskey say to the cigar?
“You’re always smoking hot!”
Why did the brandy go to the music festival?
To get a little jazzed up!
What did the orange juice say to the pancakes?
“You’re always syrupy sweet!”
Why did the lemon-lime soda go to the zoo?
To visit its citrus friends!
What did the sparkling water say to the snack foods?
“You’re always bubbling up my appetite!”
Dirty Drinking Jokes
Spice up your evening with some playful laughs! Check out our “Dirty Drinking Jokes” for a touch of cheeky humor.
Two men are drinking in a bar
they pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says “you can’t eat your own food in here”
So they swapped sandwiches.
NSFW what’s the difference between eating pussy and drinking Bud Light?
Pussy only tastes like piss for a few seconds.
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar.
she whispers, “You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I’ll do anything you ask me to in three words or less.”
The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, “Paint my house.”
I’ve been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I’ve finally decided to give up reading.
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead.
A guy is drinking in a bar…
After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar.
He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home.
He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he crawls into his bed next to his wife.
The morning after, he wakes up to find his wife looking pissed off.
“Did you get wasted last night? Again?”
” No no no sweetie, what makes you say that?”
” The bartender called, you forgot your f***ing weel chair there.”
Drinking Jokes for Adults
Navigate the realms of mature humor. Perfect for light-hearted moments among friends who appreciate a more grown-up sense of wit.
Why did the beer file a police report?
It got mugged!
What do you call a group of musical whales drinking together?
A whale orchestra.
Why did the wine break up with the beer?
It had too many commitment issues.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
How do you turn a pirate furious?
Take away the P.
What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a drink?
Please, sir, I want some more.
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they are shellfish.
What’s a bartender’s favorite exercise?
The beer lift.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did the scarecrow become a successful bartender?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the whiskey go to therapy?
It had too many issues on the rocks.
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
What’s a cocktail’s favorite dance?
The Mojito.
What do you call a bee that’s having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why did the beer go to school?
It wanted to be a little brrrrighter.
How do you know if someone is a true whiskey enthusiast?
They have a strong spirit.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
Because it ran out of juice.
What did the bartender say to the gin?
You’re gin-credible!
Why did the bartender break up with the vodka?
It couldn’t handle its shots.
How does a beer answer the phone?
“Brew?”
Drinking Jokes and Puns
Appreciate wordplay with our “Drinking Jokes and Puns.” These clever combinations turn sips into giggles, making laughter contagious.
I’m a wine-osaur, I drink until I’m extinct!
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.
I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.
I used to be a bartender, but I had to quit, it was just gin and tonic.
I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just alcohol-oriented.
I’m a beer merchant, I can hardly lager the excitement.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I’m a wine lover, I grapefully accept every bottle.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
I drink too much coffee because I’m a latte-tude guy!
I’m whiskey business, so you better leave me alone.
What happened when the grape went to the bank? It got squished.
Drink responsibly? I prefer drinking on the sofa.
My bartender is a therapist, I’m in a spirits session.
I’m a cocktail fanatic, I shake it like a Polaroid picture.
Did you hear about the restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
“I tried to organize a professional beer drinking championship, but it was a flop.”
“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer dos Equis.”
“Why did the grape stop drinking wine? Because it was time to raisin the glass.”
“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field…drinking beer.”
5. “Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems, and not enough alcohol to solve them.”
“Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing drinking beer.”
“What do you call a drunk chicken? An alcohol-egg.”
“Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.”
“What do you call it when a bartender overpours your drink? A shot in the dark.
I don’t always drink, but when I do, I prefer to have a martini. Shaken, not stirred.”
“Why did the beer go to the gym? To workout its hops.”
I went to a party, got drunk, and woke up in a fish tank. Turns out, I had a few too many fish bowls.
“Why did the ghost go to the bar? For the boos.”
“Why did the grape juice lose its job? It couldn’t concentrate.”
“What do you call a snake who drinks too much alcohol? A hissss-terical drunk.”
Why did the blonde decide to become a bartender? She loved the spirit of the job.”
“I don’t always drink alone, but when I do, I prefer to have a glass of wine with myself.”
“Why did the beer cross the road? To get to the brewery on the other side.
Why did the robot go to the bar? To get a few oil cans.”
“What do you call a beer with a sunburn? A red-ale.”
Final Thoughts
As we conclude this joyous journey through hilarious drinking jokes, we invite you to share your favorite moments and join the laughter in the comments below.
Remember, humor is the universal language that bonds us all. Whether you enjoyed the clean wit, cheeky jokes, or one-liners, let your thoughts flow.
Share the joy, spread the laughter, and let these jokes about drinking be the foundation of unforgettable memories.
Cheers to the power of laughter!
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