As Winston Churchill once said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
In the realm of military humor, a similar courage is needed to appreciate the diverse spectrum of military jokes we present.
From the light-hearted to the dark, these army jokes navigate the complex landscape of military life, offering a unique blend of seriousness and hilarity.
Embrace the timeless wisdom encapsulated in the words of great minds, as we embark on a journey that both honors and lightens the weight of military duty.
Best Military Jokes
Embark on a laughter-filled journey with the Best Military Jokes. These carefully curated jests encompass the essence of military life, delivering moments of levity amidst the challenges. Join us as we salute the lighter side of service with these humorous anecdotes.
What branch of the military do babies belong to?
The infantry.
What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet?
Lieutenant
What kind of breath mints do military officers use?
Tac-tics
Why was the sergeant mad when his son brought home an A in math?
His son spent more time dividing than conquering.
What do you call a high-ranking soldier who hates recycling?
General Waste.
Why couldn’t the marine play cards?
The captain was sitting on the deck.
What do you call a deer enlisted in the Air Force?
A bombardeer.
What’s the difference between a Navy aircrewman and an otter?
The otter knows he’s not a seal.
Why are military officers orders vague
Because they always talk in General terms
What did one troubled sailor say to the other?
“We’re in the same boat.”
Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?
He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.
Why do SEALs fall backwards off the boat?
If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
What do you call a weapon which is fully loaded with ammunition?
You call it a ri-full!
What do you say if an unknown army ranger tries to strike up a conversation with you?
You call it a ranger danger!
What do you get if you accidentally drop a piano on a military base?
A flat major.
What usually happens to any soldier who visits an enemy bar to do his stand up set?
He usually ends up bombing!
How do you describe an exercise sergeant who is very calm and polite in nature?
You say that is the drill sergentleman!
What do you call a soldier giving birth to a baby on a fighter jet plane?
You call the baby airborne!
What did the Navy say to the Coast Guard?
“SEAL you later!”
What is the best way to refer to a military officer who always makes you stay with them?
You call him a company commander!
What happens when a military soldier makes cookies made out of chocolate chips?
You are going to find a lot of shells of M&M on the floor!
What do you call a military officer who visits the bathroom way too often?
You should call him a lootenant!
What do you call a snail aboard a ship?
A snailor.
What is the ideal name for a regiment of bunny rabbits who have been trained by the military to fly in the skies?
You say that they are the hare force!
Why was the major angry when the owl decided to take a leave without informing the authorities?
Because the owl went AWOL!
What is the best way to refer to a military private who completely exposed his position to the enemy?
It no longer is private but is now public!
Why does the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
What is the ideal way to call a military soldier who has a couple of tours under his belt and can take very good care of animals?
You most definitely refer to him as a vet!
Which is the only place of a military barrack that requires the maximum cleaning?
It is usually the Mess hall!
What is the best way to describe a soldier who goes to work in the midst of a game?
You call it a deployment!
What do you call a military soldier who ends up saving a couple of important things?
You call it the reserves!
What do you do if you find a marine who is very hungry?
You offer him a sub sandwich!
What do refer to the officer who commands a regiment of the star force?
You most definitely call him as a stargent!
Which is the ideal way to describe the post of 10 military captains?
You call it a capten!
What do you call a military officer who always loves playing melodic pentatonic major scales and no minor scales?
You are bound to call him a flat major!
What is the main similarity between a military veteran and a professional volleyball player?
They both know how to serve!
What is the main difference between the training of the military and that of the boy scouts?
The boy scouts usually have a lot of adult supervision!
What does a military soldier usually do if he has to go out to have dinner?
He usually makes the reservations!
Funny Military Jokes
Discover the joyous side of service with funny military jokes. Unwind and share a laugh as these jokes weave through the intricacies of military experiences, proving that humor truly is a universal language.
What cheat code do you use to get into the Army?
Left, left, left, right, left.
What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands?
He became an army man.
What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?
Kernel.
Why doesn’t the army have anyone named Will?
They were all fired at. (Fire at will)
A man walks into an army base and kills a lieutenant, a private, and two generals.
There were no Major casualties.
What do you call an army of babies?
An infantry.
What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?
An army.
What’s the best way to serve Turkey?
Join the Turkish Army.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Why does no one like the Swiss army?
Because they are all a bunch of tools.
Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Why did the Alphabet Army lose the war?
They just didn’t have the numbers.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer, “Yes.”
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, “Yes, what?” Instantly the machine replied, “Yes, sir!”
What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?
A seasoned veteran.
Why does the French army surrender so quickly?
They have nothing Toulouse.
What was Elvis assigned to do when he joined the army?
To look for Suspicious Mines.
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat.
King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384 my liege.
King: Ok, round them up!
Squire: 400 my liege!
What would Baby Groot be if he joined the Army?
An infant Tree-Man.
Did you hear about Timmy’s grandfather who was a baker in the army?
He went in all buns glazing.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who joined the army?
He wanted a pizza the action.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
A man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in the Army.
The interviewer said, “We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?”
The man said, “No Sir; but can my Wife apply?”
What’s worse than an army recruit?
An armless one!
What do you call a really hairy guy who is new to the army?
A wookie.
What’s an Army general’s favorite day of the year?
March Fourth!
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
Did you hear about the man who is a 4-star General in the army?
That means he has mostly favorable reviews on TripAdvisor.
Why isn’t the army recruiting bakers?
They’re always desserting.
What do you call a recruit to the French army?
Maguette.
Old Macdonald’s son decided to join the army instead of farming.
He is now E.I. G.I.Joe.
Why was Cain afraid of the army recruiter?
Because they were looking for an able bodied man.
Where does the army keep fish?
In a tank.
A boy asks his dad about his past.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Yes, son?”
“Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in Dad’s eyes, and he quietly replies, “No, but I was shot in the leggy.”
Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?
To minimise casual tees.
Why does no one like upsetting the droid army?
it would be a grievous offense.
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
What is an Army Sargent’s favorite power tool?
A Drill.
Why did the jacket win the war against the vest?
The jacket had armies.
Why did the cow army surrender?
They had low moorale.
How does the army know who to punish for mistakes?
Because it is General Lee his fault.
Hilarious Military Jokes
A little laughter in times of hardship is worth more than a multitude of tears in times of joy. Experience the profound truth in her words with hilarious military jokes—moments of pure hilarity woven into the fabric of military life.
I once heard about a general that retreated from a Navy fleet that was wearing sandals.
He was scared of de-feet.
The first thing that the pigs learn when they join the Army is ‘ham to ham combat’.
The veteran who became a volleyball coach told his students that the most important skill is knowing how to serve.
The Roman Army never actually fell. They all moved to our nearest star system instead. They just became Alpha Centurions.
My instructor told me that he never saw me at the camouflage practice.
I replied, “Thank you, sir!”
A man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas later joined the Navy.
I guess he is a seasoned veteran now.
If you feel like you are not being thanked enough in the army, don’t worry about it.
Cavalry officers never say tanks.
I used to be an artist before I joined. Afterward, they told me I’d never be an officer.
Probably because I always kept drawing fire.
My friend recently got promoted from captain to a higher rank.
I’m sure it was a major day for him.
Attila and his army saw some strange otherworldly ships over their battlefields.
It’s said these were ‘Hun Identified Flying Objects’.
The US navy decided to attack Turkey one day, probably because it was the day of Thanksgiving.
A soldier in Egypt was eating ice cream while he was quitting the Army.
He was clearly a dessert-er.
The soldiers once raided the home of a rebel from the Middle East.
It turns out he kept his CDs In Iraq.
Brooms can be great army officers since they can easily perform good sweeps.
I once got both my arms shot off when I was serving.
But I shouldered on.
I once heard a story about a Roman army that became famous after selling milk products to people. It was Legion Dairy.
I once heard that the German soldiers only ever liked one specific kind of pastry.
It was the luft-waffle.
There was once a medieval horse that joined the Army.
Everyone called it a knight-mare.
When the man told the emperor that they had 385 volunteers, the Lord told him to round them up.
He just replied in return, “Okay. 400, my liege.”
What did the soldier say when he forgot something?
He shouted, “Ah shoot.”
Why did the soldier decide to cut a hole in their carpet?
Because he wanted to watch a floor show.
What form does everyone in the Army have?
The uniform.
Why did the soldier keep dynamites in his trunk?
So that if needed, he’d have it handy to blow up his tires.
What did the soldier say before he started dancing?
He said, “Battle, Buddy! Please cover me when I move!”
What should someone say if an enemy soldier hands them something?
They should say, “Flank you”.
What would you call a plan which stinks in the Army?
The OPODOR.
Which place on an army base needs the most cleaning up?
It’s the Mess hall.
How do soldiers say goodbye?
They say, “Chow.”
What would you call it if a soldier leaves to go to play some game?
That’d be called a deplayment.
How do you recognize it if a soldier has made some chocolate chip cookies?
When there are a few M&Ms shells scattered on the floor.
What do all the soldiers like watching?
The LMTVs.
What would you call a soldier who makes you stay beside them at all times?
They’d have to be the company commander.
What do the soldiers read whenever they get bored?
A magazine.
What would you call a gun that is loaded with ammo?
It’d be a ri-full.
What military branch is the favorite of the horses?
It’s the Neigh-vy.
What kind of sergeant usually carries a long stick along with them wherever they are going?
The Staff Sergeant.
Where do the kings put their armies?
In their sleevies.
What do the army lions make sure to carry?
A meat wagon.
How do army soldiers greet each other when they ride in helicopters?
They say helo!
Why didn’t the soldier raise his hand when the sergeant asked for the laziest man for a comfortable job?
Because he said, it was too much trouble to raise his hand.
Who is the most noteworthy group in the Army?
They’d be the specialists.
How do the soldiers freshen their breath?
They do it with a tic attack.
What would you call the camera of a soldier?
Cam-o.
How can you make the eyes of a soldier light up?
You just shine the flashlight in their eyes.
Short Military Jokes
Join us for a quick burst of laughter with short military jokes. These concise jests deliver instant amusement, providing a brief respite in the hustle and bustle of military service.
Why would the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?
To minimize casual tees.
Why did the sergeant assault his recruits with pepper spray and mustard gas?
He wanted them to become seasoned veterans.
Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?
So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.
Did you hear about the German military’s new Cyber Force?
It’s called the Softwehr.
Did you hear that the military is considering bringing in emotional support dogs for people deployed on extended submarine tours?
They think installing subwoofers will be good for morale.
Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn’t open?
Sergeant: Bring it back and we’ll give you a new one.
Why are military tests the easiest to pass?
They rely on your ‘general’ knowledge.
What is the military’s favorite month?
March.
What do you call a remedial military unit?
Special Forces.
What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use?
Tac-tics.
Why the drill sergeant got physically violent with his subordinates, but only behind closed doors?
You shouldn’t touch your privates in public.
The CIA, the FBI, and the Army decide to make a little bet.
They will release a white rabbit into the wood and see who can get it.
What do you call an intelligent military machine?
A Think Tank.
Why does the military search DELL PCs?
There’s Intel inside.
What if chickens took over a country’s armed forces?
It will be a chicken coup.
Sergeant: I didn’t see you at camouflage training.
Private: Thank you, sir!
Why are they called the armed forces?
Because it’s hard to fight a war with just your legs.
What’s a pirate’s favorite branch of the military?
No. The Navy you idiot.
What does a pacifist werewolf do in the military?
He goes AWOOOOOOOOL.
What do military cows wear?
CowMooFlage.
Who is the healthiest person in the Armed Forces?
General Well-being.
What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military?
An arms dealer.
Why are military officers’ orders vague?
Because they always talk in General terms.
Why did the chicken avoid the military draft?
To avoid being placed in the same unit as Colonel Sanders.
What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?
“Biden.”
Why should you never tell military secrets to a duck?
Ducks will always quack under interrogation.
What are the two best things about being in the US Military?
The 1st and the 15th.
What branch of the military do horses join?
The neigh-vy.
What do you call a mammal in the military?
G.I raffe.
Did you hear about the Latino boy whose father works happily on a military vessel?
He has a feliz navy dad.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy.
What is the military’s favorite type of cured meat?
Sal-army.
What do you call Thailand’s military?
Thai fighters.
What do the US military and a fart have in common?
Air Force.
Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?
Because electricity flows in the path of least resistance.
What do you call a Japanese military dictator with an open-carry license?
A show gun!
What does preparing for a military mission and taking a shower have in common?
You should be debriefed before beginning either one.
Why a British military officer was denied his lease application?
He was a lieutenant and the landlord was looking for the right tenant.
What part of the military is the most religious?
The warships.
Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the front lines.
How does a military fanatic season their food?
With a salt rifle and pepper spray.
What do you call an English military officer who skipped out on paying the rent?
A left tenant.
What do you call a larger military coup?
A military sedan.
Why do all soldiers in the military need to wear deodorant?
Because they all have some type of rank.
Where do botanists go when they first join the military?
They go to Root Camp.
What do people in the military call their jokes?
G. I. Jokes.
Who do you get when you mix a crown, a pair of military vehicles, and a tasty noodle dish?
King Twotankramen.
What do you call a military shipment full of T Rexes?
Small arms.
Why do sergeants have such scrawny legs?
Because they focus too much on strengthening their privates.
Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?
Because they are strict no-fly zones.
How do military people show their appreciation?
They say, “Tank you!”
Why did the military general refuse to use social media?
It was his personal creed to never surrender or retweet.
Who’s the most relaxed military leader?
General Lee Chill.
Military Jokes One Liners
Immerse yourself in the timeless charm of military jokes one liners. These succinct quips capture the essence of military humor, proving that sometimes, less is more.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. That was a minefield.
Why did the soldier become a chef? He knew how to handle the mess.
I used to be a baker in the army. I couldn’t make enough dough.
Why don’t military secrets ever make good comedians? Because they can’t keep a straight face.
I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Why did the scarecrow enlist in the army? He wanted to serve in the “corncob-at.”
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare-line.
I asked the sergeant if this was boot camp. He said, “No, we’re teaching shoes how to tie themselves.”
Why do soldiers make good comedians? They have great camouflage – you never see them coming.
What’s a soldier’s favorite kind of math? Infantry.
Why did the soldier go to art school? He wanted to learn how to draw his weapon.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised, just like in basic training.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough. Then I joined the military.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads. Reminds me of R&R.
What’s a soldier’s favorite piece of music? Anything with a good “march” beat.
Why did the tank break up with the bicycle? It had too many wheels for commitment.
Dumb Military Jokes
Explore the lighter side of wit with dumb military jokes. Albert Einstein once stated, “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” Embrace the amusing side of military life with these intentionally foolish jests.
Why did the soldier bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house.
How does a soldier become a snack artist?
By mastering the art of camouflage-netting.
Why did the military chef go to jail?
He got caught beating the eggs and whipping the cream.
What’s a soldier’s favorite type of humor?
Grenade humor – it’s explosive!
Why do soldiers make terrible comedians?
They can’t handle the drill of stand-up.
Why do soldiers never play hide and seek?
It’s hard to hide when you’re wearing camouflage.
Why did the soldier apply to be a gardener?
He wanted to root out the enemy.
How do you organize a space party in the army?
You planet.
What’s a military vampire’s favorite rank?
Corporal (corpse-ral).
Why don’t soldiers ever win at hide and seek?
Because they always camouflage too well.
How does a soldier greet a new day?
He reports for morning roll call.
Why did the sergeant break up with his calculator?
It just couldn’t count on him.
How does a soldier apologize?
He says, “I’m sorry, that was a major mistake.”
Why did the soldier become an artist?
He wanted to draw his weapon.
Dirty Military Jokes
Venture into the cheekier side of humor with dirty military jokes. Unapologetically bold, these jokes add a touch of spice to the military comedy landscape.
A beautiful lady was speaking to a General at a party:
Lady: When was the last time you had sex?
General: 1945.
Lady: Oh my God! How about some now ?
General: [Looks at his watch] No, I’m cool. It’s only 2030.
Why do female military use camo dildos?
So no one can see them cuming.
During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.
When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”
Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.
“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”
An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, “Would you enjoy my company for $100?”…
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, “Of course, I would be glad!”
Captain replies, “COMPANY! FORWARD!”
What does a military man do during sex?
He tactically inserts his unit.
What’s the Russian military’s policy on homosexuals fighting in the Ukraine?
“Donetsk, don’t tell.”
Ukraine has a new policy on gays signing up for military service.
Donetsk, Dontell.
Military officer got caught masterbating on a Zoom call
You could say it was an honourable discharge.
What do the military and sex have in common?
The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.
Did you hear about those sporadic Marine Biologist sex parties?
They come in waves.
Dark Military Jokes
Delve into the shadows of humor with dark military jokes. Navigate the darker nuances of military life through these thought-provoking jests that shed light on the profound and the absurd.
What if gay men were allowed in the army?
Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter because it wouldn’t take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.
What’s the difference between the old army and the new army?
In the old army, they were blown out of the Fox hole.
How can you tell if someone was in the military?
Give them 5 minutes and they’ll tell you themselves.
What do you call a military dictator killed by a stick of dynamite?
Napoleon Blown-aparte.
Why does the military not hire infertile snipers?
They only shoot blanks.
Why can’t a soldier look wistfully at the ocean?
Because there’s no Gaze in the military.
What do you call a dead fish that worked for the military?
Marine corpse.
Why did the drill sergeant refuse to wear underwear under his uniform?
So he could have easy access to his privates while in commando.
After retirement, an army colonel married a young 25-year-old woman.
Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.
“I’m eager to pass time with you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I’m away.”
His friends advised him ‘Keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.’
The colonel promptly acted on their advice and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant.
Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?”
The colonel replied, “She is not lonely at all, she is very happy and in fact she is pregnant.”
The friends laughed, as they expected this. And how is the tenant?” they asked.
The colonel replied very soberly, “She is pregnant too!”
How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?
“A-TEN-SON!”
Why do cannibals hate eating military men?
Every once in a while they get a colonel stuck in their teeth.
What did the military-grade laxative say when he entered the bowels?
“I’ve come to relieve you of your duty.”
Have you heard about military barbers?
They shave their privates!
What’s the similarity between military and Street Gangs?
They’re always recruiting high schoolers.
The military is downsizing and has decided to fire three generals. One each from the Army, Air Force, and Marine Corps.
Because they are all old, grizzled men who have seen their fair share of combat, the Pentagon devises a one-of-a-kind bonus scheme to compensate them for their service. They can choose two locations on their body and receive $10,000 for every inch between them.
The Army general was first. With his arms spread wide, he elected to measure between the tips of his middle fingers. The Air Force chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet as the second option. The Marine General then arrived.
“I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls.”
The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure.
“I am being serious. Now start measuring.”
The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in alarm.
“Sir! Where are your balls?!?”
“In Vietnam!”
Why being in the military is like getting a bl*wjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
“Thank you for your cervix.”
Why does the military recruit orphans?
Because homing missiles don’t target them.
A soldier hurriedly walked towards a nun. “Please, may I hide under your skirt?” he pleaded, out of breath. I’ll elaborate later.”
The nun nodded.
A few moments later, two Military Police officers approached and inquired, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun said, “He went that way.” The military officers ran away in the same direction.
“I can’t thank you enough, sister,” the soldier slipped out from under her skirt when the MPs had fled. I don’t want to go to Iraq, you see.”
“I completely understand,” the nun answered.
“I hope I’m not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” the soldier added.
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”
What are the two biggest fears of the Russian military?
That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.
Why did the entire US military decide to bomb water?
Because they finally found the black sea.
Why can’t gay people be in the military?
Because they can’t shoot straight.
What do a teenage girl and a military operation have in common?
If plan B fails they abort.
An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a campfire.
The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says “You guys aren’t so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight.”
The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, “That’s nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight.”
The SEAL is unimpressed, he says “That’s nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands.” Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he’s dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.
What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?
An honorable discharge.
What is a good reason for women to serve in the military?
They can bleed for a week without dying.
Why do fallen veterans get a day and gay people get a full month?
Being gay is a bigger tragedy.
An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, “Would you enjoy my company for $100?”
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, “Of course, I would be glad!”
Captain replies, “COMPANY! FORWARD!”
What do you call American High school graduates?
War Veterans.
What do you call a Lesbian army?
Militia Etheridge.
What do you call stories by war veterans?
Veggie Tales.
There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.
Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
Guts is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum, and having the “Balls” to say, “You’re next, Chubby.”
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
Why did the male stripper join the navy?
Because the Marines don’t take s*men.
What does the navy fire at children?
Torpedophiles.
What do you call a group of men whose wives are cheating on them?
The army.
What do you call an army of 6 gay men?
Rainbow 6 siege.
Grandma gets a package from grandson who’s in the army.
The package contained a grenade and a letter. The letter said, “Dear grandma, if you just pull the pin, I get 3 days off.”
Where do oranges train for the army?
In a concentration camp.
A group of bored military men begin debating whether sex is labor or play.
The lieutenant goes first and says, “I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work.”
Then captain responded by saying, “No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work.”
Finally, the major says, “No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work.”
Why did the pornstar get discharged from the army?
During combat she got cumshots.
What do you call a homeless shelter for Veterans?
Jail.
Why doesn’t Mexico have a navy?
Cause cardboard doesn’t float.
Why do Marines go to battle before the Navy?
Because they like seamen in the rear!
They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion.
The major says, “Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?”
The private says, “Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
Why did the US army attack the number 10?
Because it was the centre of 9/11.
Military Jokes for Adults
Embark on a laughter-infused journey tailored for mature audiences with military jokes for adults. Brace yourself for humor that resonates with seasoned perspectives.
Why did the soldier break up with his calendar?
It had too many dates.
What’s a soldier’s favorite type of party?
A combat party – it always ends with a bang!
How do you find a blind man at a nudist colony?
It’s not hard; just look for the guy with the cleanest rifle.
Why don’t soldiers ever play hide and seek?
Good luck hiding when you have to wear camouflage.
Why did the military chef become a stand-up comedian?
He had a talent for making really dry hummus.
What’s a soldier’s favorite exercise?
The sit-up – because you can do it in the foxhole.
How does a military vampire rank?
He’s a corporal (corpse-ral).
Why did the general go to therapy?
He had too many issues with command.
How many military strategists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just order someone else to do it.
What did the drill sergeant say to the disobedient flashlight?
“You need to shape up or ship out!”
Why did the tank apply for a job at the bakery?
It wanted to be a “roll” model.
Why do military personnel make great comedians?
They can handle the drill of stand-up.
Military Jokes and Puns
Explore the artistry of wordplay with military jokes and puns. Join us in bridging gaps with these clever and amusing puns that bring a touch of levity to military anecdotes.
What’s the Difference Between Aeroflot & The Scud Missile?
Aeroflot has killed more people.
What’s It Called When a Soldier Jumps into a Fox Hole?
Bestiality.
What Don’t You Say to a Marine?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to join the Marine Corps.
Where Do Rabbits Learn to Fly?
In the hare force!
Where Do Generals Keep Their Armies?
In their sleevies!
What Happened to the Soldier Who Went to the Enemy Bar?
He got bombed.
General-ly speaking, these jokes are punbelievable!
I tried making a pun about tanks, but it fell flat.
My sergeant told me to drop everything and hit the deck. Guess what I did? I parachuted!
Don’t mess with the mess sergeant. They can dish it out, but they can’t take a joke.
The cook told me the food was unfit for human consumption. I said, “Don’t worry, I’m a marine!”
Why did the private cross the road? To get to the non-com side!
The pilot said, “Brace yourselves, we’re going in blind!” The copilot replied, “But I brought my seeing-eye dog!”
What do you call a soldier who’s always cold? A brrr-acade!
A sniper was sent on a recon mission. He came back and said, “Nothing to report, sir. It’s all clear.” His officer replied, “Then why are you wearing a ghillie suit made of carrots?” The sniper shrugged and said, “Just carrot-ing around, sir.”
A recruit asks his sergeant, “Sarge, why do we wear camouflage?” The sergeant replies, “So the enemy can’t see us.” The recruit asks, “But what if they’re colorblind?” The sergeant shrugs and says, “Then they’ll just have to smell us.”
What do you call a lazy drone pilot? A couch potato-tato!
The general gave a motivational speech to his troops. He said, “Men, you are the bravest soldiers in the world! You are fearless!” One soldier shouted out, “But sir, what if we’re scared?” The general replied, “Then keep it to yourself! Fear is contagious!”
A submarine commander announced, “We’re about to dive!” A sailor asked, “What if we hit something?” The commander replied, “Don’t worry, we’re in the navy, not the army. We just float around and sing sea shanties.”
Why did the jet fighter pilot get arrested? He flew over a no-fly zone and the judge gave him a grounding order!
I heard a joke about a military intelligence oxymoron, but I can’t repeat it. It’s classified!
Final Thoughts
As this laughter-filled expedition through military jokes comes to a close, we invite you to reflect on the power of humor in fostering connection and understanding.
Share your favorite army jokes in the comments below, creating a virtual barracks where camaraderie flourishes.
Let the shared joy of these jokes bridge gaps and reinforce the bonds that unite us.
Whether you’re a veteran, a servicemember, or someone appreciating the unique world of the military, remember that a good laugh is a universal language that unites us all.
Thank you for joining us on this journey through the lighter side of military life.
Leave a Comment