Soccer, a sport that unites nations, has a knack for blending camaraderie with humor.
As George Best once quipped, “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”
Similarly, soccer jokes encompass the spirit of the game, offering a lighthearted escape.
Studies from reputable institutions like Harvard University affirm the positive impact of laughter on mental well-being.
With expert-approved humor and witty narratives, dive into a plethora of jokes about soccer that cater to fans and players alike.
Best Soccer Jokes
In the realm of humor, some jokes stand as champions, echoing across stadiums and locker rooms. These are the Best Soccer Jokes, crafted to score the perfect laugh and bring joy to the hearts of enthusiasts.
Why do soccer players do well in school?
They know how to use their heads!
My computer’s got the ‘Bad-Goalie Virus’.
It can’t save anything!
What did the Bumble Bee forward say after getting a goal?
Hive scored!
Why is a soccer stadium the coolest place to be?
Because it’s full of fans!
What are successful forwards always trying to do?
Reach goals!
Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?
Because they can’t stop saving their work!
How do soccer players stay cool during a game?
They stand near the fans!
What’s the first reference to soccer in the Bible?
“And then Jesus went up for the cross”!
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
So she could tie the score!
What did Santa bring the naughty soccer announcer?
COOOOOAAAALLLLLL!!!!!
What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?
Olay, olay, olay, olay!
How do birds cheer for their soccer team?
They egg them on!
My brother plays soccer for a team called the Musketeers.
They’ve started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all!
What tea do soccer players drink?
Penal-Tea!
Did you hear about the soccer player who lived past 100?
He’s still alive and kicking!
What soccer team do sheep like?
Baaaaaaaaa-rcelona!
Why didn’t the dog want to play soccer?
He was a boxer!
I was playing soccer last week, and the referee said the penalty could only be taken if the ball was stationary.
So I swapped it for a pencil!
Where do soccer players dance?
At a soccer ball!
My son played soccer in the mud all day.
He was a little Messi!
Why was the soccer player upset on their birthday?
They got a red card!
What do you call a defender who just ate a big meal?
A fullback!
What did the soccer coach do when the field became flooded?
He sent on his subs!
Why did the soccer coach start a one-year-old on the team?
She was incredible at dribbling!
What did the soccer player say to the flight attendant?
“Put me in coach”!
How did the soccer field end up as a triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
Why didn’t the team want to play with a third ball?
It was an oddball!
What did the referee say to the chicken who tripped a defender?
“Fowl!”
What do you call a soccer team’s lunch in the park?
A kick-Nic!
Where was the first World Cup held?
In the hands of the winners!
Why does Annie like soccer?
She gets a kick out of it!
Which player brings the goalposts and net home after each game?
The goal-keeper!
How did the soccer field get all wet?
The players dribbled all over it!
Why wasn’t the Nose on the soccer team?
It didn’t get picked!
Funny Soccer Jokes
Laughter echoes louder than a winning goal. With Funny Soccer Jokes, the game takes a playful turn, proving that even on the field, laughter is the ultimate goal. Explore these witty quips that celebrate the lighter side of soccer fandom.
Why did everyone steer clear of the striker in the game?
On the field, he was pretty offensive.
Why did the soccer fan toss his beer in the air?
He was celebrating a whirled cup.
What is the difference between a bad soccer team and the Bermuda Triangle?
The Bermuda Triangle has three points.
What part of a soccer pitch smells nicest?
The “scenter” spot.
Why was the soccer player good at math?
Because he knew how to use his head!
What do you call someone who steals energy on the soccer field?
A jolt robber!
Why did the soccer ball go to the team’s party?
Because it was kicked around so much, it wanted to have a ball!
How do soccer players stay cool during the game?
They stand near the fans!
Why did the soccer team go to the bank?
To get their goalie!
What’s a soccer player’s favorite chemical element?
Goooooold (Au)!
What’s a soccer player’s favorite bedtime story?
Goldilocks and the Three Stripes!
Why do soccer players do well in school?
Because they know how to use their heads and keep their grades up!
How do soccer players stay in touch?
They kick each other messages!
What do you call a dinosaur playing soccer?
A dino-score!
What do you call someone who plays soccer in a marching band?
A dribbler!
Hilarious Soccer Jokes
In the realm of humor, some jokes transcend ordinary chuckles. These hilarious soccer jokes promise to leave you in stitches, demonstrating that the beautiful game also boasts a delightful sense of humor.
Why was the magician the captain of the soccer team?
He was the best at hat tricks.
Why couldn’t anyone see the soccer ball?
The defense cleared it.
What time is it when a soccer team chases a baseball team?
Eleven after nine. (9:11)
What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.
Why shouldn’t you play soccer in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
Because she ran away from the ball.
What kind of soccer team cries when it loses?
A bawl club.
Why can’t Cinderella play soccer?
Because she always runs away from the ball.
How do birds cheer for their soccer teams?
They egg them on.
Why did the chicken get ejected from the soccer game?
For persistent fowl play.
Why didn’t the dog want to play soccer?
He was a boxer.
Where’s the best place to shop for a soccer uniform?
New Jersey.
What time is it when an elephant steps on your soccer ball?
Time to get a new ball!
Why are scrambled eggs like a losing soccer team?
Because they’ve both been beaten.
Heard someone say they had to play soccer with 2nd graders.
They should really invest in a ball…
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra.
It has no cups and minimal support.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOALL!
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is that they know how to use their heads well.
The man who invented soccer got a kick out of it.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player.
They both do hat tricks.
I started watching football because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team.
However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What is soccer?
It has been described as a game with 22 players, two linesmen, and 20,000 referees.
Soccer players can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
Just letting you know!
Why did the soccer player kick the grass?
Because it was being a pitch.
Why did the soccer player hold his boot to his ear?
Because he enjoyed sole music.
What does a soccer player say on Halloween?
“Hat Trick or Treat!”
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on.
They just need to bring on their subs.
Which bar downtown do soccer players hate striking on?
Crossbar.
I’m currently dating a famous soccer player.
He’s so loving and caring towards me. He’s a keeper.
Why are soccer players so artistic?
Because every game ends in a draw.
What kind of tea do soccer players drink?
Penal-Tea.
Why are soccer players never asked out for dinner?
Because they’re always dribbling!
Which soccer player has the biggest cleats?
The one with the biggest feet.
What happens to soccer players who go blind?
They become referees.
Where do soccer players go to dance?
The Futball.
When is a soccer player like a judge?
When he sits on the bench.
Which soccer player keeps the field neat?
The sweeper.
What do you get if you cross a soccer player and a mythical puppet?
A centaur forward.
Why did the defensive soccer player cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Why couldn’t the all-star soccer player listen to music?
Because he broke all the records.
Why do soccer players do so well in school?
They know how to use their heads.
How do soccer players stay cool during games?
They stand near the fans.
Did you hear about the soccer player who lived passed a 100?
He’s still alive and kicking.
Why couldn’t the soccer team lose a goal?
They always had a goal keeper.
What is a ghost’s favorite position in soccer?
Ghoul keeper.
What position do ghosts play in soccer?
Ghoulie.
Last weekend I went to see my girlfriend’s soccer match, and she did this awesome save.
She’s definitely a keeper!
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
What do you get when you cross a soccer goalie and the Invisible Man?
Goal tending like no one has ever seen.
What did the soccer goalie say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Knock Knock Soccer Jokes
“Knock knock.” Who’s there? Soccer! Soccer who? Soccer Jokes that invite giggles and guffaws! These soccer knock knock jokes are your ticket to a world of playful banter and good-natured laughs centered around the sport we all adore.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Soccer.
Soccer who?
Soccer mom! Can I have a ride to the game?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pele.
Pele who?
Pelebrate good times, come on!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kick.
Kick who?
Kick the ball and score a goal!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Goalie.
Goalie who?
Goalie locks for the soccer field!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Referee.
Referee who?
Referee or not, here I come!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Beckham.
Beckham who?
Beckham up, the game is about to start!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ronaldo.
Ronaldo who?
Ronaldo the soccer field!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Net.
Net who?
Net the ball into the goal!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Messi.
Messi who?
Messi your cleats; we’re going to play soccer!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Foul.
Foul who?
Foul play, give me a penalty kick!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Diego.
Diego who?
Diego someone for a goal celebration!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Yellow.
Yellow who?
Yellow card for that foul!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Bicycle.
Bicycle who?
Bicycle kick the ball into the net!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Score.
Score who?
Score one for the team!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
World Cup.
World Cup who?
World Cup your hands and cheer!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Corner.
Corner who?
Corner kick coming your way!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kickoff.
Kickoff who?
Kickoff your shoes and let’s play soccer!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Header.
Header who?
Header ball into the goal!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cleats.
Cleats who?
Cleats get ready for the game!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Puma.
Puma who?
Puma the ball, I’ll score!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Shoot.
Shoot who?
Shoot for the stars, aim for the goal!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Striker.
Striker who?
Striker up a conversation about soccer!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kick it.
Kick it who?
Kick it into high gear on the field!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pitch.
Pitch who?
Pitch the idea of playing more soccer!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hat-trick.
Hat-trick who?
Hat-trick or treat!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Crossbar.
Crossbar who?
Crossbar the ball, and let’s score!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nutmeg.
Nutmeg who?
Nutmeg-sary skills for soccer!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Red card.
Red card who?
Red card for a bad joke!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Coach.
Coach who?
Coach me on how to tell better soccer jokes!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Overtime.
Overtime who?
Overtime to win the game!
Soccer Jokes One Liners
In a game of quick passes and decisive moves, One Liner Soccer Jokes mirror the swift essence of soccer. Concise, clever, and oh-so-funny, these jokes capture the essence of the sport in a single punchline.
What do you call a bad soccer announcer? COOOOOOOOLD!
What do you get when you cross a soccer player with a field goal kicker? A punter with bad knees.
Cinderella was terrible at soccer. She kept running away from the ball!
I went to the bank to deposit my paycheck. They told me I was overdrawn. “But that’s impossible,” I said, “I have a checking account!” The teller replied, “Looks like it’s a savings account now.”
What do you call a ship that holds 20 soccer teams but only three leave it each season? The Premier-ship!
I tried to explain the offside rule to my dog. He just tilted his head and said, “Woof?”
My soccer coach told me to be more aggressive. Now I tackle the vending machine for extra snacks.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
What’s the difference between a good soccer player and a bad one? A good player can hit the ball with his head. A bad player can only hit his head with the ball.
My friend asked me if I wanted to invest in a time machine. I told him, “I’d rather stick with the stock market – at least there I know I’m losing my own money.”
Why did the goalkeeper wear an onion on his head? He wanted to keep his eyes peeled!
Clean Soccer Jokes
Sometimes, humor doesn’t need to tackle offside topics. Clean Soccer Jokes bring forth witty jests that are family-friendly, ensuring laughter without the need for red flags. Join in the joyous journey these jokes offer.
Which famous soccer player always leaves his stuff laying around on the floor?
Messi.
Why don’t grasshoppers watch soccer?
They watch cricket instead.
Why did the soccer player bring string to her game?
So she could tie the score.
What runs around a soccer field but never moves?
A fence.
Why was the soccer field wet on a sunny day?
The players dribbled all over it.
What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?
A soccer coach.
Where do forwards go to dance?
Soccer balls.
Why didn’t the lousy soccer team have a website?
They couldn’t string three W’s together.
Why can’t you play soccer with pigs?
They hog the ball.
Why was Cinderella such a poor soccer player?
Her coach was a pumpkin.
Why is it always warmer after a soccer game?
All the fans have left.
You are locked inside a car with nothing but a soccer ball. How do you get out?
Unlock the door and pull the handle.
Where do soccer players get their uniforms?
New Jersey.
Why shouldn’t you play soccer in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs.
Why are soccer fields always so wet?
Because they players dribble on it.
What do bad soccer players get for Christmas?
COOOOOAL!
How do you know if a soccer player is still alive?
Because they are still kicking.
Did you see that soccer team having lunch in the park?
They were having a kick-nic.
Did you see the soccer match that ended in a 1-1 draw?
No 1-1.
Why is the soccer team not doing well?
They have little to no goals.
Why don’t they play soccer in Africa?
Because of all the cheetahs.
Why did the soccer player have to learn how to dance?
He was going to a soccer ball.
Dirty Soccer Jokes
For those who prefer their humor with a dash of cheekiness, Dirty Soccer Jokes step into the limelight. These jokes prove that even in soccer humor, there’s a playful edge to explore.
Are you Ashley Young?
Cause you can dive on me anytime.
Are you David Beckham?
Because I’d bend for you.
Are you Valdes?
Because I want to teach you how to handle balls.
Baby I can be Spain and you can be Ireland, tonight.
In other words, I’m gonna screw you hard!
Because I play soccer all of the time, I’m really good at footsie.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
Can you be Zidane tonight?
Because I want some head.
Did you know I’m the Ronaldo of lovers?
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Do you play soccer?
Because I think I’m gonna score tonight.
Don’t Worry, Baby, I Won’t Bite (Luis Suarez)
Ever wondered why people call me the shooter?
Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It’s just like soccer, just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score.
Hey is your name Vincent?
Because I really need your Kompany.
Hey, did ya know I’m part of a soccer team? (Really?)
Yeah, hopefully I score tonight.
Hey, girl. I bet I can get you excited without even using my hands.
Soccer Jokes for Adults
Gather ’round, grown-ups, for a dose of soccer humor tailored for the mature audience. These Soccer Jokes for Adults serve up wit and wryness, bringing a touch of sophistication to the game’s comedic side.
Are you Messi?
Cause I am dribbling all over you.
If you were a soccer ball, I’d never shoot.
Because I would always miss you.
Are you Suarez?
‘Cause I’ll let you bite me anytime.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
You’re allowed to use your hands in this game.
What’s the difference between the England soccer team and a tea-bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What do soccer referees send during the holidays?
Yellow cards.
What did the mummy soccer coach say at the end of practice?
“Let’s wrap this up!”
Is your name Arjen?
Because you’re Robben my heart.
Do you have a jersey?
Because I need your name and number.
Do you play soccer?
Because I think I’m gonna score tonight.
I play soccer all the time…
So, I’m really good at foostie.
Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players
Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.
Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game…
very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.
why did the boy throw dog excrement at a bunch of football (soccer) supporters?
He wanted to know what happens when the shit hits the fan.
Why are soccer players shit at origami?
Because they can’t use their hands
How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?
They came from behind.
The best soccer team in the world
We will put gays as defenders, since they pressure well from the back.
And a 50 year old nun as our goalkeeper.
Because she hasn’t let anyone in for three decades straight.
Soccer Jokes for Kids
Amidst the sounds of cheering crowds, there’s room for giggles from the younger fans. Soccer Jokes for Kids promise wholesome fun, presenting humor that’s perfect for budding soccer enthusiasts, ensuring smiles all around.
Why do soccer players have such a high GPA?
They are good with their heads.
Did you hear about the soccer team who cried after a loss?
Yeah, they were a bawl club.
Why was the chicken kicked off the soccer team?
Because of all its fowl play.
Why is fire safety important in soccer stadiums.
Because of all the matches.
Why do the seven dwarfs laugh when playing soccer?
The grass tickles their noses.
What U.S. state produces the most soccer uniforms?
New Jersey.
Where the World Cup is held every year?
In the hands of the winners.
How do you light up a soccer stadium?
With a soccer match.
How do you know soccer referees like their job?
Because they whistle while they work.
How do soccer players cool off after a match?
They hang out with their fans.
What has 22 legs and is always chasing a ball?
A soccer team.
How are scrambled eggs and a bad soccer team the same?
They both get beaten.
What runs along a soccer field but never moves?
The sideline.
What does a soccer player do when their eyesight goes bad?
They become a referee.
Why don’t you want to play soccer with a pig?
Because they always hog the ball.
Why do soccer players do well in life?
They know how to reach their goals.
Why did the soccer ball stop playing soccer?
So it wouldn’t get kicked around.
Why do soccer players love the game?
They are in it for the kicks.
Why do soccer teams almost have a ghost?
They need a .
How did the soccer team keep its field clean?
With a sweeper.
What did the girl soccer ball say to the male soccer player?
Hands off!
Why do magicians like to player soccer?
They are great at hat tricks.
What soccer team do sheep like the most?
Club Baaaaaaaa-rcelona
What does a soccer coach do when the field is flooded?
He sends in the subs.
Why do soccer players and judges have in common?
They both sit on a bench.
Why is the invisible man great at soccer?
Because you never see him coming.
Soccer Jokes and Riddles
Riddles, the enigmatic cousins of jokes, combine with soccer to create a blend of brain-teasing amusement. Dive into Soccer Jokes and Riddles for a delightful mix of wit, humor, and puzzle-solving that’s sure to entertain.
Why did the soccer ball quit the team?
It was tired of being kicked around.
My dentist told me I have to take it easy on my teeth.
Looks like no more headers for me.
What do you call a goalkeeper who can’t catch anything?
A leaky faucet!
How do you know a ghost likes soccer?
It’s a ghoul-keeper!
What’s the difference between a pizza and a bad soccer team?
A pizza can feed a family.
What do you call a soccer player with no legs?
Ground control to Major Tom!
Why did the ref give the octopus a red card?
He had too many hands on the ball!
Why did the American soccer player use his hands?
He was tired of de-feat.
My wife told me to get rid of some of my old soccer jerseys.
I told her, “But they’re all memories!” She said, “Yeah, bad ones.”
What’s the best way to make a small fortune in soccer?
Start with a large fortune.
I have laces, but I can’t wear shoes. I have panels, but I can’t paint. I get kicked, but I don’t complain. What am I?
A soccer ball.
I have lines, but I can’t write. I have goals, but I can’t score. I have a referee, but I can’t make calls. What am I?
A soccer field.
I have eleven players, but no coach. I have a winner, but no trophy. I can end in a tie, but no handshake. What am I?
A penalty shootout.
I am round, but not a planet. I am black and white, but not a panda. I am kicked, but not beaten. What am I?
A referee’s assistant flag.
I am offside, but not out of bounds. I am invisible, but everyone sees me. I am controversial, but always right. What am I?
The offside rule.
I wear gloves, but I don’t catch fish. I wear shorts, but I don’t swim. I wear cleats, but I don’t climb trees. What am I?
A soccer player.
I have stripes, but I’m not a zebra. I have numbers, but I’m not a calculator. I tell time, but I have no hands. What am I?
A referee’s card.
I speak many languages, but have no mouth. I tell stories, but have no words. I bring people together, but have no hands. What am I?
The beautiful game.
I am loved by millions, but hated by some. I can bring joy, but also heartbreak. I am played by amateurs and professionals alike. What am I?
Soccer.
I am 90 minutes long, but can stretch to 120. I have three parts, but no breaks. I end with cheers, or tears. What am I?
A soccer match.
Final Thoughts
As the last joke lingers, it’s evident that soccer jokes aren’t just quips; they’re threads weaving a tapestry of unity.
These jokes about soccer transcend the game, becoming bridges that connect fans and players, sharing moments of genuine mirth.
Your participation matters—add your favorite joke to this evolving collection in the comments, fostering a community stitched together by humor.
In the vast stadium of life, where passions collide, these soccer jokes serve as the halftime break, allowing everyone, regardless of age or allegiance, to share in the joyous banter.
Thank you for being part of this shared celebration of wit and sportsmanship.
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