“Everything’s bigger in Texas,” they say, and so is the humor!
Whether you’re a Texan relishing your state’s legendary wit or just passing through, get ready for a rib-tickling adventure through the heart of the south.
In these Texas jokes, laughter echoes louder than a Texas thunderstorm.
From the sprawling landscapes to the vibrant culture, these jokes about Texas celebrate the essence of Texas with a comedic twist.
As we journey through the best Texas jokes in various categories, remember the words of Charles Dickens, “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor”.
Let’s go then.
Best Texas Jokes
Get ready for a hearty dose of Lone Star hilarity! Our collection of the best Texas jokes is a rollicking ride through the Texan humor landscape, where the punchlines are as big and bold as the state itself.
What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
To all ya’ll in Texas without tap water
Get well soon.
To everyone freezing their asses off in Texas.
Go stand in the corner, it’s 90 degrees.
If Texas saw many, many more tornadoes
It would be called “Vortexas”.
After this week’s bad weather in Texas, there’ll probably be a baby boom in nine months.
That snow coincidence.
What do men wear in a Texas synagogue?
A Y’allmulke
The Texas State Aquarium taught a crow to play connect four, too bad they didn’t teach it Clue…
I bet it would murder the game.
Why does Texas suck at the internet?
Every thread they start is lame.
Patrick: Can we say that plants from Texas are dumb?! Can we say shoes from Texas are dumb?!
Spongebob: OK Patrick that’s enough.
I just heard of an Alaskan who wants to visit Texas, but he’s afraid to…
…He suffers from claustrophobia.
I’d make a Texas holdem joke…
But I think it would be a flop.
Why did the man decide to get divorced in Texas?
He remembered the alimony.
I want to get a tattoo of Texas around my butthole
Cause you don’t mess with Texas.
All my exes live in Texas
but my wives are from Utah.
I once played Texas Hold Em against a sheet of paper.
It folded.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard…
All my exes live in Texas.
Funny enough, so do all my cousins.
Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?
To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
How do cars greet each other in Texas?
‘Audi.
What’s the first thing a Texas girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
Walks home.
What Do you call 20 Millionaires watching the Superbowl?
The Dallas Cowboys.
What’s the safest place in Dallas during a tornado?
The Cowboys stadium, the only place there’ll never be a touchdown.
Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola?
The Cowboys Stadium. Because they can’t catch anything there.
How does Dallas Cowboys fans change a lightbulb?
They don’t… they just talk about how good the old one was.
Ebola is in Dallas?
At least the Dallas Cowboys don’t have to worry about it. They can’t catch anything.
What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Postal Service have in common?
Both, don’t deliver on Sundays.
How many Dallas Cowboys fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don’t. They just talk about when it did work.
Never by a blanket from the Dallas Cowboys secondary…
…they can’t cover anybody!
What’s the difference between a University of Houston sorority sister and a scarecrow?
One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Why do University of Houston grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicap spaces.
Funny Texas Jokes
Brace yourself for a hilarious Texan ride! These funny Texas jokes promise to tickle your funny bone and showcase the lighter side of the Lone Star State with wit and charm.
Is there big money in the Texas longhorn cattle business?
So I’ve herd!
What do Texas longhorns get when they are sick?
Hay Fever
What do Texas longhorns like to listen to?
Texas Moo-sic!
What do Texas longhorns read at the breakfast table?
A Texas moospaper!
What do Texas longhorns wear when they’re vacationing in Hawaii?
Texas Moo- Moos!
What do you call a Texas longhorn that plays the guitar?
A Texas Moosician!
What do you call a group of Texas longhorn cattle sent into orbit?
The first herd shot round the world!
What two members of the Texas longhorn family go everywhere with you?
Your calves!
How did the Texas longhorn Cow feel when she couldn’t give any milk?
Like an udder failure!
How do Texas bulls drive their cars?
They steer them!
How does a Texas longhorn do math?
With a cowculator!
If a longhorn bull is chasing you, what steps should you take?
The longest ones I could!
If you crossed a Texas longhorn with an insect, what would you get?
A Texas moosquito!
If you had a gun and you were being chased by a Texas longhorn bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull in Texas!
If you see a whole field of Texas longhorns, what’s a fast way to figure out how many cattle there are?
Count the hooves and divide by four!
What do you call a sleeping steer?
A Texas bull dozer!
What kind of Texas cattle goes, “Beeeeep, beeeeep!”
A longhorn!
What magazine makes Texas longhorns stampede to the newsstand?
Cows-mopolitan!
What newspaper do Texas longhorns read?
The Texas Daily Moos.
What sound do you hear when you drop a big bomb on a Texas longhorn?
Cowboom!
Short Texas Jokes
Short on time but not on humor! Enjoy a quick burst of laughter with our short Texas jokes that pack a punch, delivering the perfect dose of Texan wit in just a few words.
What’s the only thing that grows in Austin?
The Crime Rate!
What’s the only thing that grows in Arlington?
The swelling from your head from getting jacked!
What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Houston campus?
A visitor.
Did you hear about the power outage at the Texas Tech University library?
Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention?
Their placard read: ‘We love Taxes’.
Did you hear about the fire in University of Texas’s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.
What does the average Texas Tech University student get on his SAT?
Drool.
Why couldn’t the baby Jesus be born in Texas?
Because they couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Why did Forrest Gump choose ‘Bama over UT?
He wanted an academic challenge!
Why are there so many unsolved murders in Texas?
There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
How many Texas Tech freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it’s a sophomore course.
What does a Red Raiders grad call a Longhorns grad in 5 years?
Boss!
I’m not saying Baylor basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Why is “The Wave” banned in Jones AT&T Stadium?
Two Red Raiders fans drowned last year.
Why did the Texas regents decide to cover Texas Memorial Stadium in cardboard?
Because the Longhorns always look better on paper.
What happens when blondes move from Louisiana to Texas?
Both states become smarter!
Why aren’t UTEP cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
They stick to the ground.
Why do all the trees in Oklahoma lean south?
Texas Sucks
What does a girl from Austin do if she’s not in bed by 10pm?
Go Home.
Why do Texas A&M Aggies basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
Because it’s the closet they will come to getting a “Degree”.
Why do Houston Cougars students have such beautiful noses?
They’re hand picked.
Why did Texas disband its water polo team?
All the horses drowned.
What’s the difference between a North Texas diploma and toilet paper?
About $50,000 per sheet.
What does it say on the back of every North Texas diploma?
Will Work For Food.
Why did the UTEP grad cross the road?
Better question why is he out of jail?
How does a dumb blonde get into college?
She applies to Texas El Paso.
Why did the Longhorns change their uniforms to Orange?
So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
What’s the one thing that keeps Baylor Bears basketball players from graduating?
Going to Class.
Why did the Longhorns football team cross the road?
Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
How is a Houston girl different from a bowling ball?
Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
What do Longhorns grads use for Birth Control?
Their personalities.
How do you break a North Texas grads finger?
Punch him in the nose.
What do Texans call OPEC?
Oil Pricing Evil Cartel!
How do you get a UTEP fan to laugh all weekend long?
Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Where can you message people while driving?
Text-us.
Why do Red Raiders fans smell so bad?
So blind people can hate them too.
Why did Texas change their field from grass to artificial turf?
To keep the Longhorns cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
The other one goes to North Texas.
Whats the difference between El Paso and yogurt?
Yogurt has an active living culture.
Why do the Texas Longhorns eat cereal straight from the box?
They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
What’s the difference between Texas Memorial Stadium and a cactus?
The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
What separates a good team from a great team?
The Oklahoma-Texas border.
What do you call “Boomer Sooner!” signs on a lawn at a home in Texas?
Home improvement.
How do you confuse a North Texas student?
You can’t they were born that way.
Knock Knock Texas Jokes
Who’s there? A wave of Texas humor knocking on your door! Open up to a world of laughter with our knock-knock Texas jokes, each delivering a delightful surprise and a hearty chuckle.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex-actly! I’m from Texas, y’all!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dallas.
Dallas who?
Dallas my snacks; I’m getting hungry!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amarillo.
Amarillo who?
Amarillo-nely waiting for you to open the door!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Houston.
Houston who?
Houston, we have a problem – I forgot my keys!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Austin.
Austin who?
Austin the mood for a Texan adventure!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lubbock.
Lubbock who?
Lubbock the door and let me in, it’s chilly outside!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Texan.
Texan who?
Texan my patience waiting for you to answer!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Rio.
Rio who?
Rio-de Janeiro or Rio Grande – where should we go?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
San Antonio.
San Antonio who?
San Antonio funny jokes to tell on this trip!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
El Paso.
El Paso who?
El Paso many great places to visit in Texas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Fort Worth.
Fort Worth who?
Fort Worth the journey to explore Texas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Waco.
Waco who?
Waco-n you believe we’re already on vacation?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Galveston.
Galveston who?
Galveston a seaside adventure awaits us!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Texarkana.
Texarkana who?
Texarkana way to a good time!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Plano.
Plano who?
Plano-n making any other plans; we’re exploring Texas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Corpus.
Corpus who?
Corpus Christi! We’ve got a lot to see!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Big Bend.
Big Bend who?
Big Bend over backward for a Texas-sized adventure!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Katy.
Katy who?
Katy-did you think we’d have so much fun in Texas?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tex-Mex.
Tex-Mex who?
Tex-Mexcellent food options in Texas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amarillo again.
Amarillo again who?
Amarillo again, ready to see more of Texas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dallas cow.
Dallas cow who?
Dallas cowboys ready for a Texan adventure!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Rio Grande.
Rio Grande who?
Rio Grande memories await us in Texas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Houston a problem.
Houston a problem who?
Houston a problem; we’ve got tickets to explore Texas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
San Antonio who?
San Antonio great time in Texas!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tex and Mex.
Tex and Mex who?
Tex and Mex-cited to be exploring Texas together!
Texas Jokes One Liners
Cut straight to the chase with our collection of Texas one-liners. These quick quips capture the essence of Texan humor, providing instant amusement and witty insights in a single line.
What’s the difference between a Texan and a cactus? Cacti don’t need boots.
How do you know someone’s from Texas? They’ll tell you within five minutes.
Why did the Texan cross the road? To prove he didn’t need a chicken!
What’s the difference between a hurricane and a divorce in Texas? A hurricane gives you two weeks’ notice.
What’s the state drink of Texas? Sweet tea. But don’t ask for ice, they use snowcones for that.
How do you say “hello” in Texas? Hold my beer and watch this!
What’s the state motto of Texas? Everything’s bigger in Texas, except maybe the brains. (Just kidding, Texas… mostly!)
What’s the difference between a Texan and a yogurt? The yogurt eventually stops calling itself “live.”
How do you tell if a Texan is lying? Their lips are moving.
What do you call a bunch of Texans huddled together? A rodeo.
Why did the Texan cross the bridge? To get to the other side of the river, duh!
What’s the difference between a Texan and a snowman? The snowman eventually melts.
What’s the state dance of Texas? The two-step… to avoid the rattlesnakes.
What do you call a Texan who wins the spelling bee? Lucky.
Why did the Texan drive his truck through the library? To park closer to the books.
Clean Texas Jokes
Family-friendly yet full of fun, our clean Texas jokes promise a wholesome laugh for all ages. Join us on a lighthearted journey through the Lone Star State, where the humor is as pure as a Texan sunrise.
You know you’re in Texas when…The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
You know you’re in Texas when…The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
You know you’re in Texas when…The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You know you’re from Texas if… You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
You know you’re from Texas if… You use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go buy Texas themed snacks from Texas Treats!
“Saw a dog chasing a jackrabbit out in West Texas one day and it was so hot they both were walking.”
Texas Tales are like taffy, the more you stretch them, the better they are!
Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
We hope you get some good knee-slappin’ going around the table with your friends and family this weekend!
Dirty Texas Jokes
For those who like their humor with a touch of spice, our collection of dirty Texas jokes ventures into cheeky territory. Brace yourself for a laughter-filled journey that’s a little bit naughty and a whole lot of fun.
How do you find a pussy in Texas?
Look behind their badge.
3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas
Then why is my girlfriend complaining.
A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York. At the same time in South Texas is getting a blow job from a 85 year old lady. What are both men thinking?
Don’t look down.
What’s the most expensive pie in Texas?
Pussy pie.
How does a pregnant woman in Texas get a legal abortion?
Trespass.
Texas Jokes for Adults
Step into the realm of grown-up humor as we present Texas jokes tailored for an adult audience. These jokes embrace the mature side of wit, offering a unique and entertaining perspective on the Lone Star State’s humor.
Why did the Texan bring a ladder to the bar?
Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
What do you call a Texan who doesn’t own a cow?
An imposter.
Why did the cowboy get a Dachshund?
Because he wanted to get a long, little doggy!
Why did the Texan take a pencil to the rodeo?
To draw in the crowd!
What’s a Texan’s favorite type of humor?
Dry, like the West Texas desert.
Why did the scarecrow become a successful rancher in Texas?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why do Texans make terrible secret agents?
Because they can’t go undercover without their cowboy boots.
What do you call a Texan with no college education?
A Cowboy.
How many Texas Aggies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but he gets three credit hours for it.
Why do Texans make great detectives?
They always follow their Texas-sized hunches.
Why don’t Texans ever get mad?
They just get even, slowly and with lots of barbecue.
What do you call a Texan with an opinion?
Talkative.
Why did the Texan bring a pencil to the Dallas Cowboys game?
To draw a line of scrimmage.
How do you know you’re in a Texas bar?
The bartender knows your name and how you take your steak.
Why did the Texan bring a ladder to the football game?
To see the kickoff!
What’s a Texan’s favorite kind of party?
A hoedown.
How do you make a Texan stop in their tracks?
Put up a “Free BBQ” sign.
Insulting Texas Jokes
Brace yourself for a dose of cheeky humor with our collection of insulting Texas jokes. These jokes playfully poke fun at the state’s quirks and characteristics, creating a lighthearted space for good-natured ribbing.
What do you call a traffic jam in Dallas?
Tuesday.
Why did the cowboy cross the road?
To get to the other rodeo.
What’s the state bird of Texas?
The mosquito. It’s everywhere and sucks like crazy.
What’s the first thing a Texan buys after winning the lottery?
A bigger truck to haul all their new money.
Why did the Texan climb the mountain?
To see if Oklahoma was still there.
Texas Jokes and Puns
Embark on a wordplay adventure with our Texas jokes and puns. From clever linguistic twists to witty plays on words, this collection celebrates the art of punning, adding an extra layer of amusement to the Texan humor landscape.
How do you greet someone in Texas?
Howdy, partner!
What do you call a snowman in Texas?
A puddle.
Why did the cowboy take a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house!
What’s a Texan’s favorite music genre?
Country and Western.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison.
Why do Texas Rangers always carry a map?
So they can find Texas.
How do you know when you’re in a Texan’s house?
The doorbell plays “Deep in the Heart of Texas.”
What do you call a cowboy with a sense of humor?
A jolly rancher.
Why did the Texan become an astronaut?
He wanted to visit the Milky Way, but he got stuck in Houston traffic.
How does a Texan answer the phone?
“Yellow!”
What’s a cowboy’s favorite type of movie?
A western, of course!
Why did the Texan bring a ladder to the barbecue?
He heard the steaks were up high!
Why did the cowboy adopt a cow?
Because he wanted to hear some mooo-sic!
How do you compliment a Texan’s chili?
Say, “This is Texas-sized delicious!”
Why did the Texan become a gardener?
Because he had a natural talent for plantin’ his boots in the dirt.
What’s a Texan’s favorite type of seafood?
Bait.
What do you call a Texan who can play the guitar?
A pickin’ and grinnin’ cowboy.
Why did the Texan bring a shovel to the bar?
Because he heard the drinks were on the house, and he wanted to dig in!
How do Texans settle disputes?
With a drawl.
Why did the Texan become a stand-up comedian?
He heard everything’s bigger in comedy.
What do you call a Texan magician?
Houdini. He can make a 20-gallon hat disappear!
Why did the Texan go to art school?
To draw his six-shooter faster!
What’s a Texan’s favorite exercise?
Running – from tornadoes!
If you’re not from Texas, don’t “y’all” me how to live my life.
What do you call a turtle that’s in a hurry in Texas? A Tex-azz (Texas)!
We do things bigger in Texas. I wouldn’t be surprised if we had the largest number of pun lovers, too.
Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
If everything is bigger in Texas, then I guess that means the puns are larger too, huh?
What kind of nut grows on a cactus? A pric-kly pear!
Living in Texas is like an all-you-can-eat buffet for great puns.
What’s the difference between a Texan and a dog? The dog eventually stops barking.
Why did the cowboy ride his horse to the dentist? He needed a brace on one of his teeth!
Texas: Where the sun is always shining and the puns are always flowing.
How do you know if someone is from Texas? They’ll tell you.
Why did the cowboy take his horse to the ghetto? He wanted to see a neigh-borhood.
Texas is like a pun paradise, y’all.
Did you hear about the Texan custom car dealership? They put everything Lone Star State-of-the-art.
Going to Texas is like stepping into a world of wordplay.
Why did the cowboy break up with his girlfriend? She said he was too “lasso fair.”
I never met a pun I didn’t like, but the ones in Texas are just a bit better.
What do you call a Texas tea-drinking contest? High steep-ed-ness!
Texas puns are like BBQ – they’re smokin’ good.
Some say puns are cheesy, but in Texas, we like our puns extra-cheddar.
Final Thoughts
In the vast expanse of Texas, where the horizon meets endless possibilities, let laughter be your faithful companion.
As you navigate through the diverse landscape of jokes about Texas, may you find joy in the simplicity of humor and the richness of the Texan spirit.
Share your favorite anecdotes, let the laughter ripple through the digital space, and create a virtual gathering where fellow travelers can join in the merriment.
After all, in Texas, even the jokes are bigger and better!
So, let the Texas jokes resonate, bridges be built, and may your journey through Texas be forever etched with the echoes of hearty laughter.
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