As the weekend approaches, what better way to kick back and unwind than with a hearty dose of laughter?
The age-old adage “Laughter is the best medicine” holds true, and in the realm of weekend jokes, it couldn’t be more fitting.
Universities have even conducted studies affirming the positive impact of laughter on both physical and mental well-being.
Embracing the spirit of the weekend, we’ve curated a varied collection of hilarious weekend jokes that cater to every taste.
From short one-liners to clean and even the slightly naughty, our compilation promises a laughter-filled escape.
Join us as we explore the jokes about weekend to add a touch of humor to your well-deserved break.
Best Weekend Jokes
Dive into the weekend with a burst of laughter! Our collection of the best weekend jokes guarantees a joyous start to your break. Whether you love short quips, clean humor, or a touch of cheekiness, we’ve got your weekend entertainment covered.
What’s the worst thing you can say on the weekend?
Monday.
Did you hear the story about Saturday and Sunday?
It was off to an excellent start, but it has a weekend.
What’s Newton’s law of the weekend?
A body at rest will continue to be at rest.
Why don’t you need rules on the weekend?
Weekend do anything we want.
Why’s Friday a happy day?
The next day is a sadder day.
What do snowmen do on the weekend?
Chill out.
Why are Saturday and Sunday strong?
The other days are weak days.
What do chicken families do on the weekend?
They have a peck-nic.
What do bears do on the weekend?
Bear-ly anything.
Why do employees call out sick during the week?
They have a weekend immune system.
How do you know weekends are made with poor quality?
They don’t last long.
Why do people stay up late on the weekend?
Sleep is for the week.
What do cows do on the weekend?
They watch moo-vies.
Why does Monday exist?
To punish you for things you did over the weekend.
How much fun do priests have over the weekend?
Nun.
Why did Saturday apply sunscreen?
Sunday’s coming.
Which day of the week makes you happy in the morning and sad in the evening?
Sunday.
Why do fish get lonely on the weekend?
There’s no school on Saturday or Sunday.
Which household task sucks the most on the weekend?
Vacuuming.
What do you call someone who gets anxious on Saturday and Sunday?
A weekend worrier.
How do weddings go on the weekend?
They’re emotional. Even the cake’s in tiers.
What do astronauts do on the weekend?
Space out.
Why did the weekend early?
It was off to a weak start.
I became a vegetarian this weekend.
It was a big missed steak.
How’s the wind’s weekend going?
It blows.
What happens to a bakery that burns down over the weekend?
It’s toast.
Why did the picture go to jail over the weekend?
It was framed.
How was the berry’s weekend?
Berry well.
What happened to the coffee over the weekend?
It was mugged.
What does a burrito say at the end of the weekend?
That’s a wrap.
Funny Weekend Jokes
Get ready for a weekend filled with chuckles and guffaws! Our funny weekend jokes are crafted to tickle your funny bone and elevate your spirits. Embrace the joy of laughter with our handpicked selection of humor that’s sure to make your weekend memorable.
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
I think weekends are made in China.
They don’t last very long.
I think weekends are made in China
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
A Vincent Van Gogh painting was stolen this weekend from a Dutch Museum.
Now it’s Vincent Van Gone.
Had an amazing time Bobsleighing last weekend.
I slayed 28 Bobs!!
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it…
They’re too fast. I’d never win.
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
I think we should swap the weekend days.
Because Sundays are definitely sadder days.
Who won the Superbowl?
Tune in after the weekend to find out.
My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.
Nothing but thyme on my hands.
Trying new things, decided to try to smoke a fish this weekend…
Just couldn’t figure out which end to light!
I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend
Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
Installing drywall is hard work.
I’ve been screwing all weekend and my wrist is killing me
Mondays
Mondays come to punish us for the things we did over the weekend.
Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water.
you know, to surprise my liver.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry!
What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?
Fried, eh?
I really want a truck queue this weekend.
Oops, sorry, I meant for that to be a pickup line.
My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend.
I’m rooting for him.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she made this awesome save…
She’s definitely a keeper!
Hilarious Weekend Jokes
Prepare for a weekend brimming with hilarity! Our curated collection of hilarious weekend jokes is a laughter-packed adventure. From witty one-liners to side-splitting anecdotes, this assortment guarantees a rollicking good time that will leave you refreshed and smiling.
How does the sun feel about the weekend?
It’s “bright” and early to rise, just like someone who’s overly excited to catch some rays and vitamin D!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite part of the weekend?
Saturday night – they can finally let loose and “bone-dance”! Their moves are positively spine-tingling!
Why don’t scientists trust atoms on the weekends?
Because they make up everything! Even their weekend alibis are full of “elementary” excuses!
What did the football coach say about the weekend?
“We need to tackle it head-on and score some relaxation points!” Just like a quarterback going for that touchdown of relaxation!
What’s a snowman’s favorite weekend activity?
Chilling out and melting stress away! They’ve got the perfect recipe for a “cool” weekend!
Every weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park, but it’s getting increasingly difficult to find exactly 32 of them.
I tell myself every weekend, “John, you may want to give up drinking.”
Thank God my name is not a John.
Over the past few weekends, my wife has only taken me to look at expensive new countertops.
I’m tired of being taken for granite.
After I ate something wrong last weekend, I had diarrhea for several days.
Today was finally the day when I felt normally, so I took care of myself and finally did myself a solid.
My weekends are spent inventing a machine that distributes herbs and spices to any place at the table.
It is not much, but it passes the thyme.
“What do you plan on doing over the weekend?”
“I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
Since it’s Mother’s Day weekend, I wanted to make sure my wife woke up this morning with a big smile on her face…
Now I can’t have Sharpies in the house anymore.
On the weekend, my neighbour called to ask if I could help him drain pasta.
I told him I’d have to check my colander first.
The weekend before last, I attended a seafood disco.
I pulled a mussel.
I think we should swap the weekend days…
Sundays are definitely sadder days.
I tried clog dancing this weekend,
but the Drano kept burning my feet.
Putting up drywall is hard work.
My wrist hurts from screwing all weekend.
This weekend I plan to throw a COVID-19 party.
No one is invited.
Short Weekend Jokes
For those who prefer quick laughs, our short weekend jokes are tailor-made for you! Dive into a world of humor where brevity meets brilliance. These snippets of joy ensure that your weekend is filled with laughter without missing a beat.
Why did the weekend go so quickly?
Because it was two days shy!
What’s a vampire’s favorite day of the week?
Fangs-giving!
How does a penguin spend its weekend?
Chillin’ out on the ice.
Why did the scarecrow work on weekends?
It wanted to be outstanding in its field.
What did the weekend say to Monday?
“I’m here for a good time, not a long time!”
How does the sun spend the weekend?
It just beams!
Why did the weekend get a speeding ticket?
It went by too fast!
What do you call a lazy weekend?
A restival!
How do you organize a fantastic space party?
You planet during the weekend.
What’s a computer’s favorite day of the week?
Friday, because it gets to log off for the weekend!
What’s a loaf of bread’s favorite day?
Satur-dough!
Why did the calendar go to therapy?
It felt too boxed in by the weekdays.
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why was the weekend shy?
It didn’t want to be noticed, just enjoyed.
What did the weekend say to Saturday night?
“Let’s party!”
What do you call a snowman party on the weekend?
A chill-out session.
Why did the weekend go to the beach?
To get some sand and relaxation.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room during the weekend?
The living room.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged over the weekend!
Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they are shellfish!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
Why did the bicycle fall over during the weekend?
It was two-tired.
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
How do you organize a fantastic weekend space party?
You planet.
What did one plate say to another on Sunday morning?
“You’re eggstra special!”
Weekend Jokes One Liners
Experience the magic of concise humor with our weekend jokes one-liners. Each line is a punch of amusement, making it perfect for quick laughs and brightening up your weekend. Discover the art of witty brevity and let the laughter roll.
My weekend plan: Netflix, snacks, and a nap schedule that would shame a toddler.
My definition of a productive weekend: waking up before noon and not wearing the same pajamas all day.
This weekend, I’m channeling my inner sloth and achieving maximum horizontalness.
Brunch, a walk in the park, and binge-watching my favorite show – my weekend is basically self-care on autopilot.
Coffee in hand, pajamas still on – this weekend is all about embracing the simple pleasures.
Fri-YAY Feels:
Friday? More like “Fri-yay, I deserve a beverage stronger than coffee!”
My happy place? Anywhere with a beach, a cocktail, and zero responsibilities.
TGIF! Now, where’s that magical “do not disturb” button for real life?
Weekend mode activated! May the odds be ever in my favor for finding comfy pants and delicious food.
My bank account may be crying, but my soul is dancing – it’s weekend shopping spree time!
Clean Weekend Jokes
Unwind with laughter that’s suitable for all! Our clean weekend jokes bring joy without crossing any lines. Perfect for family gatherings or a laid-back evening, these jokes ensure that everyone can join in the fun without worrying about content.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted on the weekend?
Because it was outstanding in its field!
What did the weekend say to the weekdays?
“I’m here, now let the good times roll!”
How does Saturday always solve problems?
It takes a weekend to think about them!
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room on the weekend?
The living room!
Why did the computer go to the beach on the weekend?
It needed to refresh!
What did one weekend say to the other?
“We make a great pair!”
Why did the pencil take a vacation over the weekend?
It needed to draw a line between work and relaxation!
Why did the tomato turn red on the weekend?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What’s a weekend’s favorite type of music?
Anything with good vibes!
Why did the coffee file a police report on the weekend?
It got mugged!
How do you organize a space party on the weekend?
You planet!
What did one hat say to another on the weekend?
“You stay on top; I’ll cover the rest!”
Why did the bicycle fall over on the weekend?
It was two-tired!
What’s a weekend’s favorite outdoor activity?
A little bit of “week-endurance”!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants on the weekend?
In case they got a hole in one!
How does the sun spend its weekend?
Just beaming!
Why did the calendar break up with the weekend?
It felt too boxed in by the weekdays!
How do you make a tissue dance on the weekend?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why did the music teacher go to jail on the weekend?
Because she got caught with too many sharp objects!
Why did the banana go to the doctor on the weekend?
It wasn’t peeling well!
What did the left eye say to the right eye on the weekend?
“Between you and me, something smells.”
Why did the math book look sad on the weekend?
Too many problems!
What do you call a pile of cats on the weekend?
A meow-tain!
Why don’t scientists trust atoms on the weekend?
Because they make up everything!
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit on the weekend?
A blood orange!
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants on the weekend?
In case he got a hole in one!
How do you catch a squirrel on the weekend?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
What do you call fake spaghetti on the weekend?
An impasta!
Dirty Weekend Jokes
For those with a cheeky sense of humor, our dirty weekend jokes add a spicy twist to your break. Brace yourself for a playful journey into the dirty side of humor. Let go of inhibitions and enjoy laughter with a touch of naughtiness.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
What do women and noodles have in common?
Both wiggle when you eat them.
What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?
A white Christmas.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.
What does a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
Both have a wet nose.
Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?
She just couldn’t take it any longer.
How does a woman scare their gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Weekend Jokes for Adults
Indulge in adult-themed humor with our weekend jokes for adults. Tailored for a more mature audience, these jokes guarantee a weekend filled with laughter and a dash of cheekiness. Embrace the liberating spirit of adult humor and let the good times roll.
Why did the weekend go to therapy?
It had too much baggage.
How does a weekend always end up at the pub?
It follows the happy hour signs.
Why did the coffee break up with the weekend?
It needed space.
What’s a weekend’s favorite type of alcohol?
Weekends prefer spirits, especially on the rocks.
Why did the weekend get a speeding ticket?
It was caught racing towards Monday.
What do you call a weekend without any plans?
A rare and endangered species.
Why did the calendar refuse to go out on the weekend?
It felt too dated.
What’s a weekend’s favorite type of comedy?
Stand-up, because it doesn’t like to sit down.
Why did the weekend apply for a job at the bakery?
It wanted to loaf around.
What’s a weekend’s favorite part of a joke?
The punchline, but it prefers punch in a glass.
How does a weekend recharge its energy?
It indulges in a power nap.
Why did the weekend bring a ladder to the bar?
It heard the drinks were on the house.
What’s a weekend’s favorite workout routine?
Lifting the remote.
Why did the weekend bring a backpack to the party?
It was ready for a weekend getaway.
How does a weekend greet Monday?
With a sigh and a sprinkle of sarcasm.
Why did the weekend apply for a job at the library?
It wanted to shelf its responsibilities.
What do you call a weekend that starts on a Thursday?
Ambitious, but also confusing.
Why did the weekend avoid the gym?
It didn’t want to break a sweat – just take a leisurely stroll.
How does a weekend prefer its eggs?
Lazy-side up.
Why did the weekend go to the comedy club?
It needed a good laugh before facing reality.
What’s a weekend’s favorite type of dance?
The lazy shuffle.
Why did the weekend start a band?
It wanted to jam, not work.
How does a weekend keep a secret?
It whispers it into Monday’s ear – it never remembers anything.
Why did the weekend refuse to join social media?
It wanted to remain untagged.
What’s a weekend’s favorite excuse?
“Sorry, I’m booked.”
Why did the weekend bring a pillow to the party?
It was ready for a good night’s sleep.
How does a weekend prepare for Monday?
It practices deep breathing and denial.
Why did the weekend start a wine club?
It believed in spirits and camaraderie.
What’s a weekend’s favorite type of art?
Minimalist – less effort, more enjoyment.
Why did the weekend become a stand-up comedian?
It had a lot of material on weekdays.
Weekend Jokes for Work
Navigate the lighter side of the workweek with our weekend jokes for work. These jokes add a touch of humor to the professional sphere, making the transition to the weekend seamless. Keep the mood light and the laughs flowing as you head into a well-deserved break.
Why did the computer go to the weekend?
It needed a reboot.
What’s a workaholic’s idea of a wild weekend?
A two-day PowerPoint presentation.
Why did the stressed-out employee look forward to the weekend?
It was time for Ctrl+Alt+Delete on their worries.
How does a workaholic spend the weekend?
Trying to find the “escape” key.
Why did the spreadsheet go on a weekend retreat?
To find some cell-f love.
What did the boss say to the employee who asked for a weekend off?
“Weekend? Is that a new productivity app?”
How does the office printer celebrate the weekend?
It goes into standby mode.
Why did the office plant look forward to the weekend?
It needed a break from all the office drama.
What’s a CEO’s favorite part of the weekend?
Stock options and stock relaxation.
How did the calendar feel about the weekend?
It was just another date.
Why did the email refuse to go out on the weekend?
It didn’t want to be flagged as spam.
What do you call a workaholic on the weekend?
Unemployed, for two days.
Why did the coffee machine apply for weekend leave?
It needed a filter-free weekend.
How does the office copier unwind on the weekend?
It collates its thoughts.
Why did the mouse take the weekend off?
It needed a break from the daily clicks.
What did the workaholic say on Sunday evening?
“I can’t wait for Monday!”
Why did the office keyboard take a vacation on the weekend?
To avoid being hammered all the time.
How does the boss relax on the weekend?
By delegating relaxation tasks.
Why did the office chair complain on Saturday?
It was tired of always being taken for a spin.
What’s a receptionist’s favorite weekend hobby?
Dialing down and hanging up.
Why did the office supplies throw a party on the weekend?
They wanted to let loose and unwind.
How does a calendar flirt on the weekend?
“Do you have a date this weekend?”
Why did the office door stay closed on the weekend?
It needed some privacy.
What did the stapler say to the weekend?
“Let’s stick together!”
Why did the office clock get scolded on Monday?
It ticked off too many people on the weekend.
How does the office elevator spend the weekend?
Going up and down for exercise.
Why did the office paper apply for a weekend job?
It wanted to be sheet-employed.
What’s an office chair’s favorite part of the weekend?
The swivel dance.
Why did the meeting room refuse to talk on the weekend?
It was on mute.
How does the office keyboard party on the weekend?
It goes full-tilt boogie!
Weekend Jokes and Puns
Embark on a pun-filled journey with our weekend jokes and puns. Explore the witty world of wordplay, where every joke is a clever twist of language designed to tickle your intellect. Experience the joy of humor that combines wit with the playful charm of puns.
Monday: Me pretending to be a responsible adult.
Weekend: Me realizing I’m actually a giant potato.
My weekend to-do list: 1. Sleep. 2. Repeat. 3. Maybe shower if Netflix allows.
My social battery is officially drained. Please recharge this weekend – instructions include pizza and solitude.
Adulting is hard. Can I trade my responsibilities for unlimited mimosas this weekend?
I’m not lazy, I’m just highly skilled at the art of doing absolutely nothing. (Weekend specialty!)
What do you call a weekend that lasts forever? Fry-day the 13th!
This weekend, I’m planning to channel my inner sloth and achieve maximum “chill-axation.”
My weekend forecast: 100% chance of relaxation with scattered naps.
Don’t worry, be happy (and eat cake), it’s the weekend!
May your weekend be filled with good vibes and zero adulting.
What’s the best part of the weekend?
Not setting an alarm clock!
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down, especially on the weekend!
Why don’t scientists trust atoms on the weekend? Because they make up everything!
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands and fingers.
I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it. Just like my house on the weekend.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already – they were Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
I’ve decided to run a marathon on the weekend. Not a running race, but a TV series marathon.
Why did the bicycle fall over on the weekend? It was two-tired!
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all weekend.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down, just like my weekend plans.
I’m writing a book on procrastination. Maybe I’ll finish it this weekend.
Why don’t oysters donate to charity on the weekend? Because they are shellfish!
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug on the weekend.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands and fingers – especially when ordering pizza for the weekend.
Final Thoughts
As we bid farewell to this laughter-filled journey through the best weekend jokes, we invite you to share your favorite moments in the comments below.
Laughter is a communal experience, and your thoughts add an extra layer of joy to our collection.
Remember, the weekend is not just a break from routine; it’s a celebration of life’s lighter side.
So, take a moment to reflect on the jokes about weekend that brought a smile to your face, and let’s create a space where humor thrives.
Your comments are the final touch, turning this collection into a shared experience of joy.
Cheers to weekends filled with laughter!
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